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영작교정 게시판

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자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
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담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
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In most countries, women live an average of five to six years longer than men. Why do you think this

작성자: 김*경
2023-11-28 917

회원님의 영작문

I believe life expectancy relies on God. But, to my surprise, women outlive men for a reason. This is the question that I’ve been also holding for a long time. My guess for the reason is as follows:
First, women are more relationship-oriented than men. Women tend to share their emotions and comfort each other more than men. In other words, they’re much wiser to counter stress, they know how to make relationships with others nonconfrontationally.
Second, women are more into getting in shape than men so they’re usually healthy. Overweight old men comprise more men than women.
Lastly, women are equipped with how to cook. This culinary skill is sure to benefit them nutritionally, which lets them differentiate bad food from good ones, and also helps them keep in good health. Aside from longer lifespans, women have a stronger influence on people due to their relationship-oriented personalities. Women have broader and stronger trails of life than men.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi Steve, thanks for tackling your homework. 
Your sentence is grammatically correct, but I've made some changes for you to consider. 
These revisions aim to enhance clarity, simplify the language, and improve the overall flow.
Sincerely, 
^^ T. Ara


I believe life expectancy relies on God. 
>>> I think how long we live is influenced by things we can't control, maybe guided by a higher power.
But, to my surprise, women outlive men for a reason. 
>>> It's surprising that, on average, women live longer than men,
This is the question that I’ve been also holding for a long time. 
>>> and I've been wondering why.
My guess for the reason is as follows:
>>> Here's what I think:
First, women are more relationship-oriented than men. 
>>> First, women focus more on relationships than men.
Women tend to share their emotions and comfort each other more than men.  In other words, they’re much wiser to counter stress, they know how to make relationships with others nonconfrontationally.

>>> They openly share emotions, provide support, handle stress well, and avoid conflicts in their connections. Second, women are more into getting in shape than men so they’re usually healthy. >>> Second, women work harder to stay healthy and fit compared to men. Overweight old men comprise more men than women. >>> There are more overweight elderly men than women.

Lastly, women are equipped with how to cook. 
>>> Lastly, women are good at cooking.
This culinary skill is sure to benefit them nutritionally, which lets them differentiate bad food from good ones, and also helps them keep in good health. 
>>> This not only helps them eat well but also lets them tell good food from bad, keeping them healthy.
Aside from longer lifespans, women have a stronger influence on people due to their relationship-oriented personalities. 
>>> Apart from living longer, women also have a big impact on others because they care about relationships.
Women have broader and stronger trails of life than men.

>>> They leave a bigger mark on life than men do.








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