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Why stalking and dating violence have steadily increased

작성자: 김*문
2022-11-10 1404

회원님의 영작문

Korea is very conservative society. The conservative mood is because of the Confucianism flourished in Chosun dynasty. So, the idea that the men are over than woman is still remaining. And the old are still reluctant to refer sexual things considering it is impure. At result, it is hard to get precision education especially about sexual things. School education is also formal. When I was young, homeroom teachers did sexual education and the content was comprehensive. Rather, young people get inaccurate information from online. It is easy to be exposed from sensational things increasing the use of the social media. And then, it relates to wrong sexual perception to the young. Lots of people don't know love is based on not ownership but respect and consideration. Furthermore, the lenient punishment is another reason of increasing stalking and dating violence. Accurate education about love and sexual things and strict punishment is the solution of these crimes.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Very well said Mary. Thanks for this.

Korea is very conservative society. 
>>>  correct 
The conservative mood is because of the Confucianism flourished in Chosun dynasty. 
>>> The conservative mood is because of the Confucianism that flourished in Chosun dynasty.   
So, the idea that the men are over than woman is still remaining. 
>>> correct
>>> OR: So, the idea that the men are above than woman still exists.   
And the old are still reluctant to refer sexual things considering it is impure. 
>>>  OR: In addition, the old are still reluctant to address sexual things considering it as immoral. 
At result, it is hard to get precision education especially about sexual things. 
>>>  OR: As a result, it is hard to get precise education especially about sexual things.   
School education is also formal. 
>>>  correct 
When I was young, homeroom teachers did sexual education and the content was comprehensive. 
>>>  correct 
Rather, young people get inaccurate information from online. 
>>>  correct 
It is easy to be exposed from sensational things increasing the use of the social media.   
>>> It is easy to be exposed to sensational things increasing through the use of social media. 
And then, it relates to wrong sexual perception to the young. 
>>> correct  
Lots of people don't know love is based on not ownership but respect and consideration. 
>>> correct     
Furthermore, the lenient punishment is another reason of increasing stalking and dating violence. 
>>>  correct    
Accurate education about love and sexual things and strict punishment is the solution of these crimes.
>>>  correct    
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