¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Is obesity a disease?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ȯ
2021-12-12 864

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Yes, I think so. There was a TV program that helping people to lose weight. In that program some people made appearances for losing weight. Before making that program, the director had interviews of participants. In that interviews majority of participants told that having mental problems is the reason why they became obesity. While the director was shooting the TV program. The director made psychotherapy courses to help the participants. It was successful. After that program, many participants got new life.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi, Hwanny! :)
How's your day going so far? 
Thank you for writing an essay related to our essay question. I agree that obesity is a disease and can result to other different diseases such as mental problems and physical problems. 
Obese people could suffer from a range of different diseases such as heart problems, stroke, diabetes, liver problems, and hormonal problems to name a few. 
It is imperative to stay fit and healthy because this will help us prevent from acquiring different diseases. 
I hope you're doing great. 
See you in class later! :)
~Teacher Charry

Yes, I think so. 
>> CORRECT!
There was a TV program that helping people to lose weight. 
>> There was a TV program that was helping people to lose weight. 
In that program some people made appearances for losing weight. 
>> In that program some people made appearances to lose weight.
Before making that program, the director had interviews of participants. 
>> Before making that program, the director had interviews with the participants.
In that interviews majority of participants told that having mental problems is the reason why they became obesity. 
>> In those interviews, majority of the participants told him that having a mental problem is the reason why they became obese.
While the director was shooting the TV program. The director made psychotherapy courses to help the participants. 
>> While the director was shooting the TV program, the participants underwent psychotherapy courses to help them. 
It was successful.
>> CORRECT!
After that program, many participants got new life.
>> After that program, many participants got a new life.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
115614 Why do you think family gatherings are important? À±*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-15 3
115613 What is your birthday wish this year? Answer in a few sentences. ÀÌ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-15 362
115612 If you could travel back in time, where would you go? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-01-15 438
115611 Do you think learning how to play an instrument is important?... ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 561
115610 b Çö*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 1
115609 Homework ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 161
115608 How do you think can we encourage people to take the COVID-19... Ȳ*º° ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 161
115607 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 193
115606 What advice would you give someone who is very busy? ¹é*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 334
115605 homework °¨*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 1
115604 If you could travel back in time, where would you go? ¿©*Áø ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 0
115603 If you could travel back in time, where would you go? ·ù*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 354
115602 Friday homeowrk ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 551
115601 Homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 0
115600 What makes a pleasant shopping experience? ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 517
115599 Homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 2
115598 Homework °­*¼± ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 227
115597 If you knew your friend\'s husband or wife was cheating on... ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 155
115596 Do you think learning how to play an instrument is important?... ±è*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 1
115595 Do you prefer eating out to cooking meal at home? Why or why not? Á¤*°æ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-14 587

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04