¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Is obesity a disease?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ȯ
2021-12-12 869

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Yes, I think so. There was a TV program that helping people to lose weight. In that program some people made appearances for losing weight. Before making that program, the director had interviews of participants. In that interviews majority of participants told that having mental problems is the reason why they became obesity. While the director was shooting the TV program. The director made psychotherapy courses to help the participants. It was successful. After that program, many participants got new life.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi, Hwanny! :)
How's your day going so far? 
Thank you for writing an essay related to our essay question. I agree that obesity is a disease and can result to other different diseases such as mental problems and physical problems. 
Obese people could suffer from a range of different diseases such as heart problems, stroke, diabetes, liver problems, and hormonal problems to name a few. 
It is imperative to stay fit and healthy because this will help us prevent from acquiring different diseases. 
I hope you're doing great. 
See you in class later! :)
~Teacher Charry

Yes, I think so. 
>> CORRECT!
There was a TV program that helping people to lose weight. 
>> There was a TV program that was helping people to lose weight. 
In that program some people made appearances for losing weight. 
>> In that program some people made appearances to lose weight.
Before making that program, the director had interviews of participants. 
>> Before making that program, the director had interviews with the participants.
In that interviews majority of participants told that having mental problems is the reason why they became obesity. 
>> In those interviews, majority of the participants told him that having a mental problem is the reason why they became obese.
While the director was shooting the TV program. The director made psychotherapy courses to help the participants. 
>> While the director was shooting the TV program, the participants underwent psychotherapy courses to help them. 
It was successful.
>> CORRECT!
After that program, many participants got new life.
>> After that program, many participants got a new life.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
115634 What is one of the most exciting jobs you can think of? ½Å*ÈÄ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-17 147
115633 good morning! °­*ÀÌ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-17 645
115632 Homework ±è*¹ü ¿Ï·á 2022-01-17 421
115631 Do you usually eat healthy food? ÁÖ*¼® ¿Ï·á 2022-01-17 1
115630 A letter (Jan 16th, 2022) ³²*½Â ¿Ï·á 2022-01-17 147
115629 How is our accent affected by our birthplace? ¾ö*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-17 322
115628 homework ¹Ú*¼Ò ¿Ï·á 2022-01-17 536
115627 Homework ¿À*Àº ¿Ï·á 2022-01-17 286
115626 Why I like watching more than reading. ±è*¼º ¿Ï·á 2022-01-16 567
115625 If you could travel back in time, where would you go? ¹Ú*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-16 692
115624 Are simple joys as valuable as complex experiences? ±è*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-16 188
115623 If you could stop a bad habit that you have, what would you stop? Àå*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2022-01-16 440
115622 homework Á¤*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2022-01-16 397
115621 How do you think can we encourage people to take the COVID-19... ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2022-01-16 234
115620 Stay healthy ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-16 1
115619 Should companies focus more on clean technology?. ¹®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-01-16 564
115618 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2022-01-16 1
115617 How do you handle pressure? ¹®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-01-15 116
115616 How do you try to relieve stress? ¹®*Çö ¿Ï·á 2022-01-15 150
115615 Are people always honest when they make excuses? ¾ç*ºó ¿Ï·á 2022-01-15 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04