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D9 essay homework

김용수/2025-06-03

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D9 essay homework

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi there Aiden! Thanks for your essay today! You clearly state your opinion and stick to it throughout the essay. This makes your argument easy to follow. Although there were still some sentences have grammatical issues or awkward phrasing. So check the corrections out and keep improving. See you!
>>> TACHER GEMMA
While I agree that young leaders better than older leaders, such as flexibility and innovation, collaborative leadership and energy and drive, I personally believe that older leaders more efficient at workplace. In this essay, I will explain why I believe this.
REVISED: While I agree that young leaders have advantages over older leaders, such as flexibility, innovation, collaborative leadership, energy, and drive, I personally believe that older leaders are more efficient in the workplace. In this essay, I will explain why I believe this.

The first reason is fully experienced at company, order people filled up to various experiences. More detail, if new workers have a problem, it is good way to find a person with experience, because they may already know the solution. In addition, most experienced workers receive high salaries, which reflect their responsibilities and dedication. As a result, older people better leader than young people.
REVISED: The first reason is that older leaders are fully experienced in the company and have accumulated various experiences. More specifically, when new workers face a problem, it is helpful to consult someone with experience because they may already know the solution. In addition, most experienced workers receive higher salaries, which reflect their responsibilities and dedication. As a result, older people tend to be better leaders than younger people.

The second reason is that a veteran employees worked over a long period. Therefore, they can provide many examples. In my case, when I was a junior worker, I didn’t have much time, because I am not used to it, so it always took me a long time to work, and then my team leader created the manual himself and gave it to me. As a result, I was able to take my work time to efficiently. If he doesn’t have an experience, he wouldn’t have been able to help anyone.
REVISED: The second reason is that veteran employees have worked for a long period and can therefore provide many useful examples. In my case, when I was a junior worker, I didn’t manage my time well because I was not used to the tasks, so it often took me a long time to complete my work. My team leader created a manual himself and gave it to me. As a result, I was able to work more efficiently. If he hadn’t had that experience, he wouldn’t have been able to help me.

Due to reasons, I believe that older leaders high efficient at workplaces.
REVISED: For these reasons, I believe that older leaders are more efficient in the workplace.