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이상도/2024-10-09

회원님의 올려주신 영작문
ESSAY: Some people think that activities during free time should be planned while others disagree. Discuss both sides and include examples and relevant data from your own experience. Activities are very important. The power is given for us by exercising. Some masters say that activities help to become better life. But The exercise without rest is make your body broken. Free time is just free time. people can take a rest or do more exercise. The important thing is judgement of us. If we do more active ignoring some body's systom, You may be dead. everything is important.
강사님의 첨삭교정 내용
Good morning Lee! Happy holiday to  you~ Thank you for joining the class today! I appreciate the effort you put into making your essay longer this time. Keep up the great work as you continue to enhance your writing skills!
>>> TEACHER GEMMA
Activities are very important. 
>>> CORRECT~!^^
The power is given for us by exercising. 
>>> We can be stronger through exercising. 
Some masters say that activities help to become better life.
>>> Some people believe that engaging in activities can lead to a better life.
But The exercise without rest is make your body broken. 
>>> However, exercising without adequate rest can lead to injury.
Free time is just free time. people can take a rest or do more exercise.
>>> Free time is valuable because it allows people to relax or engage in more exercise.
The important thing is judgement of us.
>>> The key factor is how we judge ourselves and our choices.
If we do more active ignoring some body's system. You may be dead. everything is important.
>>> If we do excessive exercises, it may be harmful to our body. So it's important to consider all factors. 

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