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The best music festival that I have ever witnessed

김창민/2024-08-01

회원님의 올려주신 영작문
The 2023 Busan International Rock Festival was the most memorable. I was very elated because it took 7 or 8 years that I witnessed this festival. I hope that I witness Busan International Rock Festival again after I get a job. And it got cold suddenly at that time, but I didn't predict change of weather. I only brought short sleeves, so I had to buy new clothes like sweater. Also it was a first time that I got caught in the rain at the music festival! But this moment was left by a good experience. Enjoying the stage while raining was so romantic. Additionally, I was deeply impressed by watching a stage of FTISLAND, who were famous band in Korea. They have been loved by their rock ballad songs and cheerful songs that they were showed by "idol" But they have tried to change their music style about 10 years. And they finally proved their music on that stage. Thus, 2023 Busan International Rock Festival was my best music festival ever.
강사님의 첨삭교정 내용
Hi there, Min!

What a musical experience of a lifetime! Some of my students attended this music festival as well with different stories to tell. I guess you had your eye on FTISLAND as it is your kind of jam and vibe. Indeed, you are a rocker!

The downpour of rain was a game changer. Sometimes, simply going with the flow of nature and music is spontaneous and truly inspiring. Moreover, the quality of production and the wide variety of music genre in your country just keeps getting better. 

Your story about this music fest was so interesting with the way you arranged your sentences, grouped your ideas, and your overall transition. I enjoyed reading your experience as a result.

Thank you for sharing your fond memories last year, it is one for the books!

Kindly note down the grammar suggestions I underscored in some of your sentences. This is an excellent piece.

See you!

-T. Donna~

The 2023 Busan International Rock Festival was the most memorable.
>> Correct!

I was very elated because it took 7 or 8 years that I witnessed this festival.
>> Correct!
Or: I was very elated because it took 7 or 8 years to I witness this festival.

I hope that I witness Busan International Rock Festival again after I get a job.
>> Correct!

And it got cold suddenly at that time, but I didn't predict change of weather.
>> It got cold suddenly that time and I didn't expect the change of weather.

I only brought short sleeves, so I had to buy new clothes like sweater.
>> Correct!

Also it was a first time that I got caught in the rain at the music festival!
>> Also it was the first time that I got caught in the rain at the music festival!

But this moment was left by a good experience. Enjoying the stage while raining was so romantic.
>> But this moment left a good experience. Enjoying the stage while raining was so romantic.

Additionally, I was deeply impressed by watching a stage of FTISLAND, who were famous band in Korea.
>> Additionally, I was deeply impressed by watching the stage of FTISLAND, who is a famous band in Korea.

They have been loved by their rock ballad songs and cheerful songs that they were showed by "idol"
>> They have been loved by their rock ballad songs and cheerful songs as they were showed by "idol"

But they have tried to change their music style about 10 years. And they finally proved their music on that stage.
>> But, they have tried to change their music style about 10 years and they finally proved their music on that stage.

Thus, 2023 Busan International Rock Festival was my best music festival ever.
>>  Thus, the 2023 Busan International Rock Festival was my best music festival ever.
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