¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

People compete in sports, games, the economy, and many other areas of life. What is good and bad abo

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÀÌ*À±
2025-04-25 75

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®



Long time no see, teahcer!
Please, check the attached file.
Have a nice day!

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello, Ji Yun!
It was really nice to see you again. ^^ Thank you for doing your homework. :>
You¡¯ve shared a thoughtful and clear perspective on both the positive and negative sides of competition. Nice job explaining your points with examples! Let¡¯s work on organizing your ideas into clearer paragraphs and smoothing out some sentence structures to improve flow. Keep it up!

See you next time! ^^
~ Trixia

CONTENT:
The good thing about competition is that you can work on your own to compete with people, knowing your shortcomings.
- CORRECT.
>>> OR: The good thing about competition is that it allows you to work independently while recognizing your own shortcomings. 
I think the first things I need to do to win the competition can be to figure myself out. Therefore, you will be able to understand yourself, know what you are lacking, and create a posture to work on your own.
- I think the first step to succeeding in a competition is understanding yourself. By doing so, you can identify your weaknesses and develop the mindset needed to grow on your own.
But there are so many bad things about competition.
- However, there are also many negative aspects of competition.
First, you can try bad things to win the competition.
- CORRECT.
>>> OR: First, people may resort to unethical behavior just to win.
If these behaviors are further developed, illegality and corruption will become rampant and society will be unfair.
- If this becomes widespread, it can lead to corruption, illegality, and an unfair society.
Second, it will lead to distrust in all areas.
- CORRECT.
>>> OR: Second, excessive competition can lead to distrust.
If competition intesifies, you won't be able to trust people and make real friends that are important, especially for teenagers.
- You may find it hard to trust others or build genuine friendships, which is especially harmful for teenagers.
Third, hierarchies may be created among people.
- CORRECT.
Those who win the competition can be recognized as upper classes, those who lose the competition can be recognized as lower classes, and can be solidfied with solid ideas. 
- Winners may be viewed as superior, while those who lose may be seen as inferior.
If these ideas are fixed, you will see disrespect and arrogance in people in the upper classes, and people in the lower classes will have the qualifications they have.
- If these ideas are fixed, you will see disrespectfulness and arrogance in people in the upper classes, and people in the lower classes will have the qualifications they have.
 Moreover, they can ruin themselves or make them sick, and they'll become a very bad factor in society.
- This may cause people to feel discouraged, harm their mental health, or even lead to self-destruction—becoming a serious issue for society.

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
143314 . ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-30 175
143313 . ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-30 174
143312 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2025-03-30 2
143311 What are you excited to do this weekend? Explain. Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-03-30 161
143310 Describe the biggest mall you\'ve ever visited. Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-03-30 217
143309 3/20 Homework ±Ç*ºó ¿Ï·á 2025-03-30 1
143308 When was the last time you had the most fun on a weekend? Write... Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-03-30 189
143307 Do Korean parents teach their children how to sit properly at... Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-03-30 175
143306 3/19 Homework ±Ç*ºó ¿Ï·á 2025-03-30 0
143305 3/18 Homework ±Ç*ºó ¿Ï·á 2025-03-30 0
143304 what\'s the best ocean animal in the world? Why? Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-30 150
143303 3/17 Homework ±Ç*ºó ¿Ï·á 2025-03-30 0
143302 Expressing sincere gratitude ÃÖ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-30 1
143301 My new activity ÃÖ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2025-03-29 174
143300 Sad music ÇÑ*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2025-03-29 199
143299 Can you describe your favorite singer or musician? À±*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2025-03-29 0
143298 Do you think climate change is making wildfires worse? Why or... À±*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2025-03-29 0
143297 Do you think younger generations in Korea have a different view... À±*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2025-03-29 0
143296 What is one famous tourist attraction in another country that... À±*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2025-03-29 0
143295 Is music important? Why or why not? ÀÌ*À± ¿Ï·á 2025-03-28 195

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04