¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Do you think holidays are too commercialized?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ȯ
2025-03-02 249

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I agreed that I also think current holidays are too commercialized. When I was young, I had spent time with family at home.
But nowadays, I have to go outside with my children such as restaurant, department store, museum and park, etc , since my children want to experience something which they were watching from internet or television. Our media are producing a lot of attractive advertisement and it makes that many people spend more money during holidays.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Here's your corrected composition, In Hwan.  Please take a look at the revisions below. Speak to you tomorrow! 



Cheers,
Jean~~
                            
                          
                            


                                          Do you think holidays are too commercialized?


I agreed that I also think current holidays are too commercialized. 
>> I agree that the current holidays are too commercialized. 

When I was young, I had spent time with family at home.
>> When I was young, I spent time with my family at home.

But nowadays, I have to go outside with my children such as restaurant, department store, museum and park, etc , since my children want to experience something which they were watching from internet or television. 
>> But nowadays, I have to go outside, such as to restaurants, department stores, museums, parks, etc., with my children since they want to experience things they saw on the internet or television. 

Our media are producing a lot of attractive advertisement and it makes that many people spend more money during holidays.
>> Our media are producing a lot of attractive advertisements that make many people spend more money during holidays.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
141307 Which is more effective in expressing how you feel: Words or... Àå*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-12-03 3
141306 Would you rather be a leader or a follower? Àå*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-12-03 2
141305 What do you usually order in your favorite restaurant? Àå*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-12-03 2
141304 Homework ±è*Çö ¿Ï·á 2024-12-03 862
141303 Are there any patterns you avoid wearing? Why? ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2024-12-03 1340
141302 Homework ÀÌ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2024-12-03 1
141301 homework ÀÌ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2024-12-03 1
141300 toilet ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2024-12-03 0
141299 scientist ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2024-12-03 1
141298 How is English different from your mother language? ±è*¸° ¿Ï·á 2024-12-03 1009
141297 If you could meet any movie character, who would it be and why? ÀÓ*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2024-12-03 1326
141296 The teacher has gotten heavy responsibility from the sociaty. ÀÌ*Çü ¿Ï·á 2024-12-03 921
141295 What¡¯s the most memorable place you¡¯ve ever visited? ÀÌ*¹ü ¿Ï·á 2024-12-03 3
141294 Homework ÇÑ*Áø ¿Ï·á 2024-12-03 892
141293 Homework ±è*´Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-12-03 864
141292 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-12-02 1
141291 Do you have any friends from a culture or country different from... ½Å*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-12-02 939
141290 What are some benefits of having a routine? Áø*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-12-02 1
141289 What are your favorite ways to stay active during winter? Áø*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-12-02 1
141288 homwork ½Å*¸° ¿Ï·á 2024-12-02 1167

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04