¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽг»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Do you think holidays are too commercialized?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*ȯ
2025-03-02 480

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I agreed that I also think current holidays are too commercialized. When I was young, I had spent time with family at home.
But nowadays, I have to go outside with my children such as restaurant, department store, museum and park, etc , since my children want to experience something which they were watching from internet or television. Our media are producing a lot of attractive advertisement and it makes that many people spend more money during holidays.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Here's your corrected composition, In Hwan.  Please take a look at the revisions below. Speak to you tomorrow! 



Cheers,
Jean~~
                            
                          
                            


                                          Do you think holidays are too commercialized?


I agreed that I also think current holidays are too commercialized. 
>> I agree that the current holidays are too commercialized. 

When I was young, I had spent time with family at home.
>> When I was young, I spent time with my family at home.

But nowadays, I have to go outside with my children such as restaurant, department store, museum and park, etc , since my children want to experience something which they were watching from internet or television. 
>> But nowadays, I have to go outside, such as to restaurants, department stores, museums, parks, etc., with my children since they want to experience things they saw on the internet or television. 

Our media are producing a lot of attractive advertisement and it makes that many people spend more money during holidays.
>> Our media are producing a lot of attractive advertisements that make many people spend more money during holidays.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
142726 How can humidity levels impact sleep quality? Áø*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 1
142725 Homework ±è*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 488
142724 Why do some people prefer expensive items over cheaper ones? Áø*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 0
142723 What\'s something people assume about you that is never true? Áø*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 0
142722 2025.02.25 homework! ÀÌ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 386
142721 How can we tell if someone is listening to us? ¼Û*ÀÚ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 1
142720 What\'s the most popular section of the hypermarket? Why? Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 518
142719 how can you develop a good habit? ÃÖ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 504
142718 homework ÀÌ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 510
142717 Homework ÀÌ*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 533
142716 revenge ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 534
142715 What are the usual stuff in your classroom that you don\'t like?... Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 489
142714 What favor would bother you most ? ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 511
142713 Why did you choose this particular song? ³ë*ö ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 492
142712 fashion ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 1
142711 2/24 Homework ±Ç*ºó ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 1
142710 2025.02.25 homework! ÀÌ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 521
142709 Homework ±è*´Ô ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 588
142708 script Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 514
142707 Homework ¿À*º½ ¿Ï·á 2025-02-25 1

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ ͏°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öư Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽбÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î Çϰí ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04