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영작교정 게시판

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How do you define violence? Why do you think violence occurs in some situations?

작성자: 정*영
2025-02-20 135

회원님의 영작문

I think that only people do the violence. It means that only people can kill the their neighbor, thire friend, themselves for reilgional,regional, sexual issues. Up-to-date, Russia and Ukraine have fighted for minor situation. As a result, many people be murdered by soldiers. When I saw the news related to the war, my mind is sad and pitty for the innocent people. Due to the some political or regligious reasons, innocent people around the world have to kill for the reasons. To conclude, preventing the violence can do the presidents around the world.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hello Gloria!     

You're doing a great job expressing your thoughts in English! I can see that you’re thinking deeply about the topic, which is really important. Writing about serious issues like violence and war is not easy, but you are able to share your opinions clearly. That’s already a big achievement!

To improve your writing, focus on organizing your ideas more smoothly. When you write, try to structure your answer in a way that makes it easier for the reader to follow. One way to do this is by making sure each sentence connects naturally to the next. Before you write, think about the main point you want to say, and then build your explanation step by step.

Also, pay attention to sentence structure. Sometimes, sentences can feel a bit long or confusing because of extra words or missing words. A good way to improve is to read your sentence out loud after writing it. If it sounds a little difficult to say, try breaking it into two shorter sentences or rewording it.

Another tip is to practice using different sentence types. Right now, your sentences mostly focus on stating facts and opinions. To make your writing more advanced, try adding examples or comparisons. For example, instead of just saying that violence is caused by political or religious reasons, you could explain how different countries experience it in different ways. This will make your answer more detailed and engaging.

Lastly, keep building your vocabulary! You already know a lot of words, but learning new ones will help you express your ideas even better. Try reading short articles or stories in English and paying attention to how sentences are written. If you see a word or phrase you don’t understand, look it up and try to use it in your own sentences.

You're making great progress! Your ability to share your thoughts is strong, and with more practice in organizing ideas, sentence structure, and vocabulary, your writing will improve even more. Keep going! You're doing really well!

~Teacher Cathy

 

I think that only people do the violence.

>>CORRECT

OR>>I believe that only people can do violence.

It means that only people can kill the their neighbor, thire friend, themselves for reilgional,regional, sexual issues.

>>It means that only people can kill their neighbor, their friend, or themselves over religious, regional, or sexual issues.

Up-to-date, Russia and Ukraine have fighted for minor situation.

>>Up to date, Russia and Ukraine have fought over minor situations.

As a result, many people be murdered by soldiers.

>>As a result, many people are murdered by soldiers.

When I saw the news related to the war, my mind is sad and pitty for the innocent people.

>>When I see news related to the war, my mind feels sad and pity for the innocent people.

Due to the some political or regligious reasons, innocent people around the world have to kill for the reasons.

>>Due to some political or religious reasons, innocent people around the world have to kill for those reasons.

To conclude, preventing the violence can do the presidents around the world.

>>To conclude, preventing violence is something presidents around the world can do.

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