무료 레벨테스트 받고 강사평가 남기면 1,OOO원 쿠폰 즉시 적립!

혹시 사이트에선 찾지 못한 궁금한 점이 있으세요?
남겨주신 이메일을 통해 답변 드리겠습니다.

문의하신 내용이 문자로 발송되오니
연락처를 남겨주세요.
업무시간 월~금 오전9시~오후6시
(점심시간 낮12시~오후1시)

영작교정 게시판

영어 말하기와 쓰기를 동시에 잡는다!

자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
회원님들께 무료로 제공해드리는 부가 서비스로, 전문 분야를 제외한 자유 주제
또는 강사님이 내주시는 과제를 회원님께서 영어로 작성해주시면,
담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

Are there any disadvantages to using a smartphone too much?

작성자: 이*윤
2025-01-11 127

회원님의 영작문

Well, there are two main things that come to mind.
First, it cause diseases in people.
Your eyesight will deteriorate as you look at your smartphone too much and use it in the dark. Also, your neck may bend or your back may deteriorate because you bow your head and look at your smartphone. In this case, watching music or videos using smartphones with wireless earphones may lead to poor hearing. Furthermore, because there is everything in the world or smartphones, there could be social problems that cause obesity and lead to lonesome people who prefer to stay alone.
Second, it has a negative impact on people.
In ohter words, people who encounter smartphones easily watch and heard fake news, which can cause disgust and lead to crimes by easily encountering violent and sour videos. In this case, it is children and teenagers who are severely affected. It is becoming an important social issue as the age of access to smartphones is getting younger and younger around the world.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi, 

Thank you for your essay! You did a great job exploring the health and social issues linked to smartphone use. I appreciate how you highlighted the impact on children and teenagers—it's such an important and timely topic.

~ Teacher Gina


Well, there are two main things that come to mind.
>> CORRECT.
>> Or: There are two main issues that come to mind.

First, it cause diseases in people.
>>  First, it causes diseases in people.

Your eyesight will deteriorate as you look at your smartphone too much and use it in the dark. 
>> CORRECT.
>> Or: Looking at your smartphone too much, especially in the dark, can deteriorate your eyesight.

Also, your neck may bend or your back may deteriorate because you bow your head and look at your smartphone. 
>> Additionally, your neck may bend, or your back may deteriorate from constantly looking down at your smartphone.

In this case, watching music or videos using smartphones with wireless earphones may lead to poor hearing. 
>> In such cases, listening to music or watching videos on your smartphone with wireless earphones can lead to poor hearing.

Furthermore, because there is everything in the world or smartphones, there could be social problems that cause obesity and lead to lonesome people who prefer to stay alone.
>> Furthermore, since smartphones provide access to almost everything, they may contribute to social problems like obesity and encourage loneliness, leading some people to prefer isolation.

Second, it has a negative impact on people.
>> CORRECT.
>> Or: Secondly, smartphones have a negative impact on people.

In ohter words, people who encounter smartphones easily watch and heard fake news, which can cause disgust and lead to crimes by easily encountering violent and sour videos. 
>> In other words, people who use smartphones easily encounter fake news, which can cause disgust and even lead to criminal behavior due to exposure to violent and harmful content.

In this case, it is children and teenagers who are severely affected. 
>> CORRECT.
>> Or: Children and teenagers are particularly affected by this.

It is becoming an important social issue as the age of access to smartphones is getting younger and younger around the world.
>> CORRECT.
>> Or: This is becoming a significant social issue as the age of access to smartphones continues to decrease globally.
번호 제목 글쓴이 공개 상태 등록일 조회수
141663 performing 민*정 완료 2024-12-25 1
141662 change 민*정 완료 2024-12-25 1
141661 If you had a million dollars, would you still work? 이*범 완료 2024-12-25 2
141660 If you could work from anywhere in the world for a year, where... 이*범 완료 2024-12-25 2
141659 Which is a better choice, travelling alone or travelling with... 손*희 완료 2024-12-24 178
141658 Have you ever complained about the food or service in a... 김*규 완료 2024-12-24 2
141657 Write about Christmas days plans. 차*혁 완료 2024-12-24 240
141656 Do you think dreams have any meaning? 이*희 완료 2024-12-24 231
141655 Homework 이*숙 완료 2024-12-24 250
141654 Review 김*혜 완료 2024-12-24 2
141653 I will submit my English writing assignments by re-solving what... 김*혜 완료 2024-12-24 2
141652 Do you think convenience stores should offer healthier food... 임*미 완료 2024-12-24 264
141651 추가 문제 김*혜 완료 2024-12-24 257
141650 Homework & Question 이*주 완료 2024-12-24 252
141649 Homework 오*봄 완료 2024-12-24 0
141648 What is included in your \"Bucket List\" 이*준 완료 2024-12-24 243
141647 What might happen if you don’t use any phones in a day, week,... 한*연 완료 2024-12-23 247
141646 Homework 김*우 완료 2024-12-23 1
141645 What do you like most about your room? Why? 이*윤 완료 2024-12-23 251
141644 Why don’t governments ban smoking if it causes so many health... 송*자 완료 2024-12-23 2

HOW TO USE IT?

[마이페이지 > 수업 내용 보기 > 학습 캘린더 > 영작교정 버튼 클릭]

수업 횟수만큼 영작교정 게시판이 생성되며,
지난 날짜에도 게시 할 수 있습니다.

주5회 수업 : 월 20회 이용 가능
주3회 수업 : 월 12회 이용 가능
주2회 수업 : 월 08회 이용 가능
01
교정 내용은 최대 1,000byte까지 올릴 수 있습니다.

첨부 파일은 원활한 첨삭을 위한 참고자료로 사용될 뿐,
파일에 대한 첨삭은 불가능 합니다.

업로드 가능한 첨부 파일은 최대 2mb까지이며,
첨부 할 수 있는 파일 형식은 다음과 같습니다.

문서 - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
이미지 - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
전문 분야를 제외한 회원님이 직접 작성한 글만
첨삭이 가능하며,

올려주신 글의 강사님 첨삭은 24시간 이내에
완료 되는 것을 원칙으로 하고 있습니다.
03
하루 게시 가능한 글은 3회까지 이며,
종료된 수업의 영작교정 게시판은
이용이 어려운 점 양해 부탁 드립니다.
04

와이즈에듀케이션아이(주) 사이트명: 파워잉글리쉬 대표이사 전상현
사업자등록번호: 217-81-44736 통신판매신고번호: 2014-서울도봉-0233호
서울본사: 서울시 노원구 한글비석로 245 두타빌 B동 7층 713호
대표번호 1688-8672 개인정보관리 책임자: 안희영 [powerenglish@pweng.net]