¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

The improvement of social welfare I want for next president

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¹Î
2024-12-19 697

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I hope that an environment will be created in which prostitution workers can become financially self-reliant.

I heard the news that the prostitution places located in Paju City were demolished by force, so prostitution workers resisted that.

They criticized that the self-reliance policy proposed by Paju City doesn't enough to get them out of the prostitution industry.
According to the self-reliance policy in Paju City, the prostitution workers can receive self-support subsides about 1 million won in monthly, but they asserted that this subsides can't replace their means of livelihood.

So I think the government should actively support prostitution workers to escape from prostitution.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good evening, Min! It is great to see you again here on this page.

I could never imagine that Paju has many red districts with sex workers. If the government can give them other reputable work and not merely subsidy, maybe it would be better. I guess, the salary of a prostitute is relatively high. I am not sure. 

Nevertheless, these kinds of work tarnish the moral integrity of a place. Since we are Asians, this is still considered taboo. In the West, they get their regular check up and are protected by the government.

Anyway, your composition demonstrates your mastery and grammar skills. My suggestions were underlined below for your review. Overall, excellent job!

See you.

-T. Donna~

I hope that an environment will be created in which prostitution workers can become financially self-reliant.
>> Correct! Very good sentence!

I heard the news that the prostitution places located in Paju City were demolished by force, so prostitution workers resisted that.
>> Correct! Very good sentence!

They criticized that the self-reliance policy proposed by Paju City doesn't enough to get them out of the prostitution industry.
>> They criticized that the self-reliance policy proposed by Paju City isn't enough to get them out of the prostitution industry.

According to the self-reliance policy in Paju City, the prostitution workers can receive self-support subsides about 1 million won in monthly, but they asserted that this subsides can't replace their means of livelihood.
>> According to the self-reliance policy in Paju City, the prostitution workers can receive self-support subsides about 1 million Won monthly, but they asserted that this subsidy can't replace their means of livelihood.

So I think the government should actively support prostitution workers to escape from prostitution.
>> Correct!
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
140115 Whale singing µµ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2024-09-27 1260
140114 homework! ÃÖ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-09-27 1069
140113 I can do for my friends Á¤*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2024-09-27 4
140112 Do you believe cosmetics companies\' ads that say their products... ÀÌ*À± ¿Ï·á 2024-09-27 973
140111 touch ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2024-09-27 1
140110 Home work 0927 ¿À*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2024-09-27 1267
140109 Homework Àå*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2024-09-27 1232
140108 increasing retirement age. ¾ç*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-09-27 1102
140107 Homework ³ë*ö ¿Ï·á 2024-09-27 1362
140106 Do you think people help each other because it makes them feel... ÀÓ*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2024-09-27 1125
140105 What are the most common organizations in your country and what... ±è*¸° ¿Ï·á 2024-09-27 1099
140104 Homework ±è*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2024-09-26 0
140103 Homework ¿À*Çö ¿Ï·á 2024-09-26 2
140102 Should there be any zoos in the world? ¼Õ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2024-09-26 1100
140101 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-09-26 2
140100 networks important for getting jobs ¹Ú*°æ ¿Ï·á 2024-09-26 1127
140099 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2024-09-26 2
140098 Home work ½Å*¶ó ¿Ï·á 2024-09-26 1003
140097 Topic: Does your country have a good education system? ¹Ú*½Ä ¿Ï·á 2024-09-26 1171
140096 Homework ±è*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2024-09-26 1511

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04