¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

The improvement of social welfare I want for next president

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¹Î
2024-12-19 670

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I hope that an environment will be created in which prostitution workers can become financially self-reliant.

I heard the news that the prostitution places located in Paju City were demolished by force, so prostitution workers resisted that.

They criticized that the self-reliance policy proposed by Paju City doesn't enough to get them out of the prostitution industry.
According to the self-reliance policy in Paju City, the prostitution workers can receive self-support subsides about 1 million won in monthly, but they asserted that this subsides can't replace their means of livelihood.

So I think the government should actively support prostitution workers to escape from prostitution.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Good evening, Min! It is great to see you again here on this page.

I could never imagine that Paju has many red districts with sex workers. If the government can give them other reputable work and not merely subsidy, maybe it would be better. I guess, the salary of a prostitute is relatively high. I am not sure. 

Nevertheless, these kinds of work tarnish the moral integrity of a place. Since we are Asians, this is still considered taboo. In the West, they get their regular check up and are protected by the government.

Anyway, your composition demonstrates your mastery and grammar skills. My suggestions were underlined below for your review. Overall, excellent job!

See you.

-T. Donna~

I hope that an environment will be created in which prostitution workers can become financially self-reliant.
>> Correct! Very good sentence!

I heard the news that the prostitution places located in Paju City were demolished by force, so prostitution workers resisted that.
>> Correct! Very good sentence!

They criticized that the self-reliance policy proposed by Paju City doesn't enough to get them out of the prostitution industry.
>> They criticized that the self-reliance policy proposed by Paju City isn't enough to get them out of the prostitution industry.

According to the self-reliance policy in Paju City, the prostitution workers can receive self-support subsides about 1 million won in monthly, but they asserted that this subsides can't replace their means of livelihood.
>> According to the self-reliance policy in Paju City, the prostitution workers can receive self-support subsides about 1 million Won monthly, but they asserted that this subsidy can't replace their means of livelihood.

So I think the government should actively support prostitution workers to escape from prostitution.
>> Correct!
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
140320 What do you like about your country? Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 1079
140319 Which is more convenient using public transportation or having... ¼Õ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 916
140318 Homework ¿À*Çö ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 1
140317 Do you know the king of the United Kingdom? Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 1148
140316 What games did kids play before using tablets or phones? À±*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 1
140315 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 1
140314 When did you start watching cartoons? À±*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 0
140313 Do you think Facebook should have a \"Dislike\" button? Why or... À±*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 0
140312 Ten million dallors ¹Ú*°æ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 1397
140311 homework ½É*Áø ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 1
140310 How might eating habits change in the coming decades? ÃÖ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 2
140309 Should parents help their children plan their future? Why or why... ÇÑ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 1099
140308 What type of transportation do you prefer when traveling? ÀÌ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 1227
140307 How will you spend this coming weekend? À±*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 0
140306 The most memorable trip. ¼­*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 3
140305 What is the best vacation you have ever taken? What made it... ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 2
140304 Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 1191
140303 first homework ÃÖ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 1127
140302 Do you think grammar is important when you learn a new language? ÃÖ*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 1
140301 What do you find most interesting about your major? ÃÖ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04