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작성자: 한*진
2024-11-27 751

회원님의 영작문



.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

 Good morning YU JIN!
I was genuinely impressed by your essays. Once again, you’ve showcased a deep understanding of the key issues and theories. Your explanations were both clear and insightful, and you effectively covered the major points on consequentialism and deontology. Keep up the great work!
>>> TEACHER GEMMA
Q people’s spending a lot of money on beauty care
C’ self promotion is important in modern era 
C people’s bias about appearance
E psychological instability
S government’s introducing counseling program

It is widely known that people’s spending a lot of money on beauty care is a common phenomenon. 
>>> CORRECT~!^^
Some people think that one of the causes is that self-promotion is important in modern era. 
>>> CORRECT~!^^
However, in my opinion, the major cause of the issue is people’s bias about appearance, therefore it is required for governments to introduce counseling program, considering psychological instability.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
 It can be said that governments’ introducing counseling program is not a selection but a necessity in the aspect that people can be exposed to psychological instability.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
One of the causes related to the issue is people’s bias about appearance.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
 Even though there are other factors for it, nothing is more fundamental factor than prejudice of people’s look.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
OR>>> Although there are other contributing factors, nothing is more fundamental than people's prejudice based on appearance.
 According to Korean Times, one of the most renowned papers in Korea, 85.2% of high school students, who have done make-up for over a year, attributed the reason to people’s wrong perspectives about appearance.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
 It shows how strongly people’s bias of look affects people’s consumption on beauty care in a negative way.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
When it comes to the effect, governments’ introducing counseling program can make it possible for themselves to psychological instability.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
 Despite the fact that people’s spending a lot of money on beauty care is not the only effect for it, it is the most fatal case to spoil that can bring about psychological instability. 
>>> CORRECT~!^^
Let’s take ‘Happy Together’, a counseling program by Daejeon Counseling Center in Korea, to show how people’s consumption for beauty care affects psychological instability as an example. 
>>> CORRECT~!^^
The center has contributed to finding out the relationship between people’s consumption for beauty care and psychological instability.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
 As a result, it was found that the more people spend a lot of money on beauty care, the more psychological instability could become. 
>>> As a result, it was found that the more people spend on beauty care, the greater the potential for psychological instability.
As we can see in the example, people’s consumption on beauty care can have a negative effect on psychological instability.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
Hence, there is no doubt that governments should make a priority to introduce counseling program.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
In conclusion, people’s bias about appearance can be considered the major cause of the issue, and thus governments should not hesitate to introduce counseling program, given people can moan under psychological instability.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
OR>>> In conclusion, people's bias toward appearance can be seen as the primary cause of the issue. Therefore, governments should not hesitate to implement counseling programs, as many individuals may suffer from psychological instability.

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