¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

In order to look good is the most important working out.

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÀÌ*¸§
2024-08-16 731

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

To look good, which is more important? Eating well or working out?

I think to look good is more working out than eating well. It is helps blood circulations and improves skin elasticity also complextion.
Plus, It naturally relieves swelling and makes healthy body. It makes people be happy and to get way how can refresh thinking.
The changing gradually is easy to look good to the other people.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello again, Areum!

Here's your corrected composition. Please take a look at the revisions below. 
I appreciate your adding the essay question. Good night!  

Cheers,
Jean~~



                                      To look good, which is more important? Eating well or working out?


I think to look good is more working out than eating well. 
>> I think working out is more important if you want to look good. 

It is helps blood circulations and improves skin elasticity also completion.
>> It helps blood circulation and improves skin elasticity, as well as complexion. 

Plus, It naturally relieves swelling and makes healthy body. 
>> Plus, it naturally relieves swelling and makes the body healthy. 

It makes people be happy and to get way how can refresh thinking.
>> It makes people happy, feel refreshed, and can give them new ideas. 

The changing gradually is easy to look good to the other people.
>> Gradual changes are better and easier, and one can look good to others. 
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
135555 homework ÃÖ*Ç ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 854
135554 2023.03.15 ¼÷Á¦ ¾ç*À² ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 1
135553 homework ÀÌ*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 800
135552 Meeting someone halfway ÀÌ*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 951
135551 I like the word \'friendship\'. À±*Çý ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 1215
135550 Do you feel comfortable meeting new people? Why or why not? ½Å*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 878
135549 I want to sleep with a cat :) À±*Çý ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 1253
135548 What activities do you enjoy on weekends and why? ¿¡*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 1
135547 homework Á¤*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 0
135546 homework Á¤*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 0
135545 homework Á¤*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 0
135544 HOMEWORK: Please write a short paragraph about Do you want... ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 0
135543 hat holidays are you always excited about? Why? ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 1009
135542 Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 1271
135541 homework ¼Õ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 817
135540 Do you know k-pop? ;) À±*Çý ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 1161
135539 my first storm story :) À±*Çý ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 1269
135538 Homework À±*¼± ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 601
135537 patience ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 2
135536 Aside from eggs, what other kinds of food are a great source of... ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2024-03-15 1092

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04