¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

In order to look good is the most important working out.

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÀÌ*¸§
2024-08-16 696

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

To look good, which is more important? Eating well or working out?

I think to look good is more working out than eating well. It is helps blood circulations and improves skin elasticity also complextion.
Plus, It naturally relieves swelling and makes healthy body. It makes people be happy and to get way how can refresh thinking.
The changing gradually is easy to look good to the other people.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello again, Areum!

Here's your corrected composition. Please take a look at the revisions below. 
I appreciate your adding the essay question. Good night!  

Cheers,
Jean~~



                                      To look good, which is more important? Eating well or working out?


I think to look good is more working out than eating well. 
>> I think working out is more important if you want to look good. 

It is helps blood circulations and improves skin elasticity also completion.
>> It helps blood circulation and improves skin elasticity, as well as complexion. 

Plus, It naturally relieves swelling and makes healthy body. 
>> Plus, it naturally relieves swelling and makes the body healthy. 

It makes people be happy and to get way how can refresh thinking.
>> It makes people happy, feel refreshed, and can give them new ideas. 

The changing gradually is easy to look good to the other people.
>> Gradual changes are better and easier, and one can look good to others. 
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
136122 I use the sentence words ½Å*Áö ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 537
136121 When are the best times for silence? Some people say that... ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 561
136120 Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 599
136119 Homework À±*¼± ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 719
136118 Talk about a memorable meal you have had. ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 605
136117 Talk about a problem in your community and propose a solution. ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 775
136116 Discuss a place you would like to visit in the future. ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 599
136115 Compare traveling alone with traveling with friends or family.... ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 543
136114 What do you think is the biggest change in how families are in... ¹Ú*Áø ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 923
136113 homework ÀÌ*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 887
136112 Which topics do you avoid when you talk with someone for the... À±*Áø ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 23
136111 Why are some people pessimists? õ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 655
136110 What is the essence of flower festivals in your country? ±è*Çö ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 2
136109 HW ³ª*Áø ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 669
136108 What position would you avoid playing in soccer? ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 863
136107 Why is it important to reflect on our experiences? Ȳ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 579
136106 What did you do on your last birthday? ¿À*¼Ò ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 4
136105 Homework ±Ç*À± ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 2
136104 Which car brand would you like to buy next? Why? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-04-04 3
136103 homework À¯*¸° ¿Ï·á 2024-04-03 610

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04