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영작교정 게시판

영어 말하기와 쓰기를 동시에 잡는다!

자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
회원님들께 무료로 제공해드리는 부가 서비스로, 전문 분야를 제외한 자유 주제
또는 강사님이 내주시는 과제를 회원님께서 영어로 작성해주시면,
담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

8/5 essay

작성자: 김*연
2024-08-04 276

회원님의 영작문



This is the first time that I wrote the essay on a computer, so it took a long time..:( If the file has a problem, please let me know! Have a good day!

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi there Yeon~! ^^ Well done! Your knowledge of the dispute and the events surrounding it shows in your essay. It is clear that you understand the main points of contention, and you have discussed these in an easily understood way.

>>> TEACHER GEMMA

It is commonly acknowledged that population of old people is going to rapidly increase in modern society especially in South Korea. 

>>> CORRECT!^^

Some assert that an aging society will disappear in the near future. 

>>> CORRECT!^^

This essay will identify possible causes behind this phenomenon and its effect.

>>> CORRECT!^^


 The main reason why the number of old people is going to increase is people have no time to have a child or children. 

>>> CORRECT!^^

OR>>> The primary reason for the anticipated increase in the elderly population is that many people today are prioritizing their careers and personal goals over having children.

This mean that the number of children shows decreasing graph and the number of elders shows increasing graph due to people do not give birth to a child.

>>> CORRECT!^^

 In South Korea, Koreans’ work-life balance is weird because they should work in the office at least 40 hours per week, and it can be linked to low birth rate. 

>>> CORRECT!^^

Lacking social supports, this can be another reason, which provide to married couple who already have a child or plan to have a child.

>>> Lacking social supports can be another reason, which could provide to married couple who already have a child or plan to have a child.

 In South Korea, there are few children support policy, so parent should need an amount of money to take care of their child or children.

>>> CORRECT!^^

 However, an aging society will not disappear in the near future. 

>>> CORRECT!^^

This is because governments will prepare policies about the old people.

 >>> CORRECT!^^

 One example of disadvantage, the old people should work after their retirement. 

>>>  One disadvantage is, the elderly people should work after their retirement. 

In South Korea, there are the amount of money that old people receive every month, and that money come from young people who pay tax. 

>>> In South Korea, elderly individuals receive a monthly pension funded by taxes paid by the younger population.

So if the number of young people decreases, old people cannot receive enough money thus they should work after their retirement. 

 >>> CORRECT!^^

However, there also exist advantage, old people can longer get confidence after their retirement.

>>> However, there are also benefits, such as older individuals gaining greater confidence and a sense of purpose after retirement.

 Senior depression is the main problem of an aging society, but doing some work can give seniors higher self-esteem thus it can solve the problem.

 >>> CORRECT!^^

In conclusion, the aging society will not disappear in the future.

 >>> CORRECT!^^

 The number of old people shows the tendency that is going to increase but governments are also going to prepare policies about old people to maintain their country.

 >>> CORRECT!^^

 In my opinion, governments should prepare more policies about old people but at the same time, they should make policies that support children.

 >>> CORRECT!^^

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