¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

(2) investment in the art

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ¾î*ÁÖ
2024-08-02 403

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Furthermore, entertainment serves more than just passing the time. It could also improve the standard of society and lifestyle. People usually relieve stress by watching TV or listening music. People also love to visit museum and gallery to broad viewpoint. A good movie, a funny TV show can help us unwind from work and worries. On top of that, entertainment is not just for fun. It exposes us to new idea, worlds and the ways of thinking. Some scientific concepts even give us opportunities to spark creativity and fuel our imagination. In this way, people could have much more lively life.

In conclusion, there are a lot of benefits of entertainment such as art, music and theaters not just economy aspect but also personal aspect. Arts and Music always bring us much more we expected. Hence, governments should invest more budget on this field to improve economy and people¡¯s mental health.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi June!
Thank you for explaining your examples well.
It makes it that much easier to understand.
The writing was really smooth today.^^
~~ Teacher Sharon
Furthermore, entertainment serves more than just passing the time. 
>> Correct
It could also improve the standard of society and lifestyle. 
>> Correct
People usually relieve stress by watching TV or listening music. 
>> People usually relieve stress by watching TV or listening to music. 
People also love to visit museum and gallery to broad viewpoint. 
>> People also love to visit museums and galleries to broaden their viewpoints. 
A good movie, a funny TV show can help us unwind from work and worries. 
>> A good movie or a funny TV show can help us unwind from work and worries.
On top of that, entertainment is not just for fun. 
>> Correct
It exposes us to new idea, worlds and the ways of thinking. 
>> It exposes us to new ideas, worlds, and ways of thinking. 
Some scientific concepts even give us opportunities to spark creativity and fuel our imagination. 
>> Correct
In this way, people could have much more lively life.
>> In this way, people could have much more lively lives.
In conclusion, there are a lot of benefits of entertainment such as art, music and theaters not just economy aspect but also personal aspect. 
>> In conclusion, there are many benefits of entertainment such as art, music, and theaters, not just from an economic aspect but also from a personal aspect.
Arts and Music always bring us much more we expected. 
>>  Arts and music always bring us much more than we expected.
Hence, governments should invest more budget on this field to improve economy and people¡¯s mental health.
>> Hence, governments should invest more budget in this field to improve the economy and people¡¯s mental health.







¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
135151 Homework ÀÌ*Çý ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 1
135150 What and who are your major influences for having your recent... ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 0
135149 Homework Àå*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 349
135148 What¡¯s the most unique winter vacation spot you¡¯ve been to? ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 248
135147 homework 03.01 ÃÖ*Ç ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 300
135146 Homework ÀÌ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 305
135145 What are the positive and negative ways some people choose to... Ȳ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 506
135144 homework ÀÌ*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 397
135143 The proudest moment of my life ÃÖ*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 256
135142 Compare traveling alone with traveling with friends or family.... ÃÖ*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 390
135141 How does Korean entertainment, like K-pop and K-dramas,... ¿¡*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 1
135140 HOMEWORK: Please write a short paragraph about \"Is following a... ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 1
135139 Why do you think some people hate dancing? ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 468
135138 Don¡¯t you have any homework? ÃÖ*¼º ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 499
135137 My greatest strength ¼Û*³ª ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 2
135136 How important is physical attractiveness in a relationship? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 670
135135 When can you start working with us? õ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 604
135134 If you had $100,000, where would you go on vacation? Why? È£*À± ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 413
135133 What hobbies are popular in your country? ¿À*¼Ò ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 7
135132 homework À¯*¸° ¿Ï·á 2024-03-01 596

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04