¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

(2) investment in the art

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ¾î*ÁÖ
2024-08-02 625

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Furthermore, entertainment serves more than just passing the time. It could also improve the standard of society and lifestyle. People usually relieve stress by watching TV or listening music. People also love to visit museum and gallery to broad viewpoint. A good movie, a funny TV show can help us unwind from work and worries. On top of that, entertainment is not just for fun. It exposes us to new idea, worlds and the ways of thinking. Some scientific concepts even give us opportunities to spark creativity and fuel our imagination. In this way, people could have much more lively life.

In conclusion, there are a lot of benefits of entertainment such as art, music and theaters not just economy aspect but also personal aspect. Arts and Music always bring us much more we expected. Hence, governments should invest more budget on this field to improve economy and people¡¯s mental health.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi June!
Thank you for explaining your examples well.
It makes it that much easier to understand.
The writing was really smooth today.^^
~~ Teacher Sharon
Furthermore, entertainment serves more than just passing the time. 
>> Correct
It could also improve the standard of society and lifestyle. 
>> Correct
People usually relieve stress by watching TV or listening music. 
>> People usually relieve stress by watching TV or listening to music. 
People also love to visit museum and gallery to broad viewpoint. 
>> People also love to visit museums and galleries to broaden their viewpoints. 
A good movie, a funny TV show can help us unwind from work and worries. 
>> A good movie or a funny TV show can help us unwind from work and worries.
On top of that, entertainment is not just for fun. 
>> Correct
It exposes us to new idea, worlds and the ways of thinking. 
>> It exposes us to new ideas, worlds, and ways of thinking. 
Some scientific concepts even give us opportunities to spark creativity and fuel our imagination. 
>> Correct
In this way, people could have much more lively life.
>> In this way, people could have much more lively lives.
In conclusion, there are a lot of benefits of entertainment such as art, music and theaters not just economy aspect but also personal aspect. 
>> In conclusion, there are many benefits of entertainment such as art, music, and theaters, not just from an economic aspect but also from a personal aspect.
Arts and Music always bring us much more we expected. 
>>  Arts and music always bring us much more than we expected.
Hence, governments should invest more budget on this field to improve economy and people¡¯s mental health.
>> Hence, governments should invest more budget in this field to improve the economy and people¡¯s mental health.







¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
138431 How do modern children\'s books differ from classic ones in... ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-11 771
138430 Homework À¯*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-11 1
138429 Why do some people give in to depression? Ȳ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-07-11 763
138428 ¼÷Á¦ Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-11 645
138427 Are clothes important to you? ¿À*¼Ò ¿Ï·á 2024-07-11 0
138426 What is the biggest risk of starting your own business? ¿À*¼Ò ¿Ï·á 2024-07-11 0
138425 What was your most memorable job interview experience? ±è*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-11 612
138424 What was your most memorable job interview experience? ±è*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-11 667
138423 2024.07.10 ³²*·Ê ¿Ï·á 2024-07-11 908
138422 Homework ¿À*º½ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-11 1
138421 Homework ¿À*º½ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 1
138420 Do you believe that telling lies will have negative consequences? Ȳ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 660
138419 Homework ½Å*Á¾ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 640
138418 Homework ÀÌ*º° ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 751
138417 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 716
138416 Are parents who feed junk food to their children irresponsible? Çö* ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 649
138415 Can you describe a piece of music that has a special meaning to... Çö* ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 899
138414 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 0
138413 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 0
138412 Does your hometown have any festivals? What happens at that... ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-07-10 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04