¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

The best music festival that I have ever witnessed

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*¹Î
2024-08-01 820

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

The 2023 Busan International Rock Festival was the most memorable.
I was very elated because it took 7 or 8 years that I witnessed this festival.
I hope that I witness Busan International Rock Festival again after I get a job.

And it got cold suddenly at that time, but I didn't predict change of weather.
I only brought short sleeves, so I had to buy new clothes like sweater.

Also it was a first time that I got caught in the rain at the music festival!
But this moment was left by a good experience. Enjoying the stage while raining was so romantic.

Additionally, I was deeply impressed by watching a stage of FTISLAND, who were famous band in Korea.
They have been loved by their rock ballad songs and cheerful songs that they were showed by "idol"
But they have tried to change their music style about 10 years. And they finally proved their music on that stage.

Thus, 2023 Busan International Rock Festival was my best music festival ever.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi there, Min!

What a musical experience of a lifetime! Some of my students attended this music festival as well with different stories to tell. I guess you had your eye on FTISLAND as it is your kind of jam and vibe. Indeed, you are a rocker!

The downpour of rain was a game changer. Sometimes, simply going with the flow of nature and music is spontaneous and truly inspiring. Moreover, the quality of production and the wide variety of music genre in your country just keeps getting better. 

Your story about this music fest was so interesting with the way you arranged your sentences, grouped your ideas, and your overall transition. I enjoyed reading your experience as a result.

Thank you for sharing your fond memories last year, it is one for the books!

Kindly note down the grammar suggestions I underscored in some of your sentences. This is an excellent piece.

See you!

-T. Donna~

The 2023 Busan International Rock Festival was the most memorable.
>> Correct!

I was very elated because it took 7 or 8 years that I witnessed this festival.
>> Correct!
Or: I was very elated because it took 7 or 8 years to I witness this festival.

I hope that I witness Busan International Rock Festival again after I get a job.
>> Correct!

And it got cold suddenly at that time, but I didn't predict change of weather.
>> It got cold suddenly that time and I didn't expect the change of weather.

I only brought short sleeves, so I had to buy new clothes like sweater.
>> Correct!

Also it was a first time that I got caught in the rain at the music festival!
>> Also it was the first time that I got caught in the rain at the music festival!

But this moment was left by a good experience. Enjoying the stage while raining was so romantic.
>> But this moment left a good experience. Enjoying the stage while raining was so romantic.

Additionally, I was deeply impressed by watching a stage of FTISLAND, who were famous band in Korea.
>> Additionally, I was deeply impressed by watching the stage of FTISLAND, who is a famous band in Korea.

They have been loved by their rock ballad songs and cheerful songs that they were showed by "idol"
>> They have been loved by their rock ballad songs and cheerful songs as they were showed by "idol"

But they have tried to change their music style about 10 years. And they finally proved their music on that stage.
>> But, they have tried to change their music style about 10 years and they finally proved their music on that stage.

Thus, 2023 Busan International Rock Festival was my best music festival ever.
>>  Thus, the 2023 Busan International Rock Festival was my best music festival ever.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
138373 Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 971
138372 How do someone\'s interests affect a person\'s life? ¼Û*¶ó ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 714
138371 Homework À¯*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 2
138370 HOMEWORK FOR 07.09.2024 DIRECTIONS: Please tell me about the... ÀÓ*Áö ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 2
138369 Homework ½Å*Á¾ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 0
138368 two appointment ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 1
138367 Do you see playing the guitar as a hobby or a potential career... ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 746
138366 craft beer ¾ç*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 610
138365 How may we overcome laziness when dealing with an important... Ȳ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 664
138364 How may we overcome laziness when dealing with an important... ÀÌ*À± ¿Ï·á 2024-07-09 710
138363 Homework ¿À*º½ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-08 0
138362 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-08 603
138361 Sibilant ÀÌ*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-07-08 581
138360 What are the advantages and disadvantages of being rich? ½Å*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-07-08 800
138359 What I cannot live without ÀÌ*º° ¿Ï·á 2024-07-08 3
138358 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-07-08 3
138357 What can you consider as your field? Áø*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-08 1
138356 homework ÀÌ*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2024-07-08 672
138355 2024.07.05 ³²*·Ê ¿Ï·á 2024-07-08 596
138354 suggestion È£*À± ¿Ï·á 2024-07-08 1

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04