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Why the people want to move after retirement?

작성자: 정*훈

2024-07-04

313

회원님의 영작문

When the retirement approaches, people are divided two groups. Those who want to be rewarded for their works and those who wanted to live quietly regardless of their work. The first group wanted to the new adventure that they didn't experienced when they young. They tend to move to another country or city for retirement.
The second group wanted to live quietly because they were too tired from thier work. So they tend to move to small city like their hometown.
Although they have a same goal that escape from today's work. But someone will experience different days each days, someone will lived with memories at quiet familiar place.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

A fantastic day to you Se Hun~!^^ The arguments in the essay were exceptionally well-developed, consistently clear and well justified. You have effectively presented your ideas in an interesting and critical manner and you have presented a good quality and variety of examples. Keep it up!

>>> TEACHER GEMMA

When the retirement approaches, people are divided two groups.

>>> When the retirement approaches, people are divided [into] two groups.

Those who want to be rewarded for their work and those who wanted to live quietly regardless of their work.

>>> CORRECT~!^^

The first group wanted to the new adventure that they didn't experienced when they young.

>>> The first group wanted to experience the new adventure that they hadn't experienced when they were young.

They tend to move to another country or city for retirement.

>>> CORRECT~!^^

The second group wanted to live quietly because they were too tired from their work.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
So they tend to move to small city like their hometown.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
Although they have a same goal that escape from today's work.
>>> Although they have [the] same goal [which is to] escape from today's work.

But someone will experience different days each days, someone will lived with memories at quiet familiar place.

>>> But someone will experience different days each day, while others will live with memories in a quiet, familiar place."

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