¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Why the people want to move after retirement?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Á¤*ÈÆ
2024-07-04 371

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

When the retirement approaches, people are divided two groups. Those who want to be rewarded for their works and those who wanted to live quietly regardless of their work. The first group wanted to the new adventure that they didn't experienced when they young. They tend to move to another country or city for retirement.
The second group wanted to live quietly because they were too tired from thier work. So they tend to move to small city like their hometown.
Although they have a same goal that escape from today's work. But someone will experience different days each days, someone will lived with memories at quiet familiar place.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

A fantastic day to you Se Hun~!^^ The arguments in the essay were exceptionally well-developed, consistently clear and well justified. You have effectively presented your ideas in an interesting and critical manner and you have presented a good quality and variety of examples. Keep it up! 
>>> TEACHER GEMMA
When the retirement approaches, people are divided two groups.
>>> When the retirement approaches, people are divided [into] two groups.
 Those who want to be rewarded for their work and those who wanted to live quietly regardless of their work. 
>>> CORRECT~!^^
The first group wanted to the new adventure that they didn't experienced when they young.

>>> The first group wanted to experience the new adventure that they hadn't experienced when they were young.

They tend to move to another country or city for retirement.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
The second group wanted to live quietly because they were too tired from their work.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
 So they tend to move to small city like their hometown.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
Although they have a same goal that escape from today's work.
>>> Although they have [the] same goal [which is to] escape from today's work.
 But someone will experience different days each days, someone will lived with memories at quiet familiar place.
>>> But someone will experience different days each day, while others will live with memories in a quiet, familiar place."
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
136901 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 1
136900 What problems do you encounter when you are not truthful? Ȳ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 171
136899 About my future ÀÌ*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 293
136898 How do you feel if people gossip about you? ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 235
136897 Homework ±è*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 308
136896 2024.05.01 ³²*·Ê ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 270
136895 Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 154
136894 Homework ¼Û*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 270
136893 What decade has produced the best music? ¿À*Çö ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 166
136892 control ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 1
136891 Home ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 0
136890 Home ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 0
136889 Home ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 0
136888 HW ³ª*Áø ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 182
136887 What kinds of jobs interest you most and least? ±è*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 203
136886 HOMEWORK FOR 05.02.2024 WRITING TASK: Can you be angry without... ÀÓ*Áö ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 4
136885 Real estate is the most beautiful property. À±*Çý ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 239
136884 It\'s very difficult to help at no cost. À±*Çý ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 316
136883 I don\'t respect anyone. À±*Çý ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 330
136882 How does the government respond to and manage wildfires? ¹Ú*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-02 159

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04