¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Extreme sports such as skydiving and rock climbing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Ȳ*ÇÏ
2024-06-10 661

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Extreme sports like skydiving and rock climbing come with inherent risks, but banning them outright is not the most effective solutions. It leads to violate personal freedom because individuals have rights to engage in any kind of activities. I think risks can be minimized by educating and regulating participants. It is also important to have safety guards to secure any incidents. If it is banned by the law, there might be economic impact. Extreme sports contribute significantly to the economy through tourism, equipment sales, and related industries. Banning them could have negative economic repercussions in certain areas. Extreme sports can also give positive impacts to psychological health. It improves mental health, confidence and stress relief. However, it's essential to balance these arguments with considerations for public safety. Authorities should ensure that adequate precautions are in place to minimize risks to both participants and bystanders.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

A fantastic day to you Mr. Hwang~!^^ The arguments in the essay were exceptionally well-developed, consistently clear and well justified. You have effectively presented your ideas in an interesting and critical manner and you have presented a good quality and variety of examples. Keep it up! 
>>> TEACHER GEMMA
Extreme sports like skydiving and rock climbing come with inherent risks, but banning them outright is not the most effective solution.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 It leads to violate personal freedom because individuals have rights to engage in any kind of activities.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 I think risks can be minimized by educating and regulating participants.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 It is also important to have safety guards to secure any incidents.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 If it is banned by the law, there might be economic impact.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 Extreme sports contribute significantly to the economy through tourism, equipment sales, and related industries.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 Banning them could have negative economic repercussions in certain areas. 
>>> CORRECT!^^
Extreme sports can also give positive impacts to psychological health.
>>> CORRECT!^^
It improves mental health, confidence and stress relief.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 However, it's essential to balance these arguments with considerations for public safety.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 Authorities should ensure that adequate precautions are in place to minimize risks to both participants and bystanders.
>>> CORRECT!^^
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
140336 Abandoned stuff ¹Ú*°æ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-09 366
140335 Home work ½Å*¶ó ¿Ï·á 2024-10-09 314
140334 homework ½É*Áø ¿Ï·á 2024-10-09 0
140333 What\'s your favorite summer sport? Why? Áø*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-09 2
140332 How do you view people who are very passionate about politics? ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-09 2
140331 homework ±è*Çö ¿Ï·á 2024-10-09 361
140330 I\'ve been using my cell phone since I was young. À±*Çý ¿Ï·á 2024-10-09 385
140329 Q) Did you ever watch a movie not because of the story but... ÃÖ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-09 0
140328 my friend ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-09 0
140327 help ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-09 1
140326 listen carefully ÀÓ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-09 369
140325 School home work Àå*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-10-09 266
140324 My homework ÀÌ*µµ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-09 283
140323 self introduction ½Å*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 2
140322 Homework 1008 ¿À*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 360
140321 What is something you never learned to do but wish you had? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 0
140320 What do you like about your country? Â÷*Áø ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 288
140319 Which is more convenient using public transportation or having... ¼Õ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 307
140318 Homework ¿À*Çö ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 1
140317 Do you know the king of the United Kingdom? Â÷*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2024-10-08 385

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04