¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Extreme sports such as skydiving and rock climbing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: Ȳ*ÇÏ
2024-06-10 328

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Extreme sports like skydiving and rock climbing come with inherent risks, but banning them outright is not the most effective solutions. It leads to violate personal freedom because individuals have rights to engage in any kind of activities. I think risks can be minimized by educating and regulating participants. It is also important to have safety guards to secure any incidents. If it is banned by the law, there might be economic impact. Extreme sports contribute significantly to the economy through tourism, equipment sales, and related industries. Banning them could have negative economic repercussions in certain areas. Extreme sports can also give positive impacts to psychological health. It improves mental health, confidence and stress relief. However, it's essential to balance these arguments with considerations for public safety. Authorities should ensure that adequate precautions are in place to minimize risks to both participants and bystanders.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

A fantastic day to you Mr. Hwang~!^^ The arguments in the essay were exceptionally well-developed, consistently clear and well justified. You have effectively presented your ideas in an interesting and critical manner and you have presented a good quality and variety of examples. Keep it up! 
>>> TEACHER GEMMA
Extreme sports like skydiving and rock climbing come with inherent risks, but banning them outright is not the most effective solution.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 It leads to violate personal freedom because individuals have rights to engage in any kind of activities.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 I think risks can be minimized by educating and regulating participants.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 It is also important to have safety guards to secure any incidents.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 If it is banned by the law, there might be economic impact.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 Extreme sports contribute significantly to the economy through tourism, equipment sales, and related industries.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 Banning them could have negative economic repercussions in certain areas. 
>>> CORRECT!^^
Extreme sports can also give positive impacts to psychological health.
>>> CORRECT!^^
It improves mental health, confidence and stress relief.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 However, it's essential to balance these arguments with considerations for public safety.
>>> CORRECT!^^
 Authorities should ensure that adequate precautions are in place to minimize risks to both participants and bystanders.
>>> CORRECT!^^
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
137423 HOMEWORK ÁÖ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2024-05-26 152
137422 What is more important when it comes to clothing, comfort or... Ȳ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-05-25 210
137421 Are men better drivers than women? Ȳ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-05-25 161
137420 Do you need an alarm clock to wake up? ÀÌ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-05-25 317
137419 Writing Task: What helps you get to sleep? ÀÌ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2024-05-25 155
137418 The way to veteran ÀÓ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-25 258
137417 Why is honesty important? ÀÌ*À± ¿Ï·á 2024-05-24 149
137416 homework 05.24 ÃÖ*Ç ¿Ï·á 2024-05-24 264
137415 Protecting the natural environment ÀÌ*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2024-05-24 249
137414 What is the most popular mobile game in your country? ÃÖ*¼º ¿Ï·á 2024-05-24 295
137413 Why do our dreams change as we grow older? ¹Ú*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-24 237
137412 What are you passionate about? ¹Ú*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-24 284
137411 How do you show respect to your teacher? ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2024-05-24 226
137410 daughter-in-law ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-24 2
137409 Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2024-05-24 180
137408 5/24(Fri) Homework ±è*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-24 241
137407 In general, what is the quality of customer service in Japan? ÀÌ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-24 0
137406 The assemble of art teachers °í*È£ ¿Ï·á 2024-05-24 197
137405 homework ÀÌ*¼ö ¿Ï·á 2024-05-24 186
137404 Myhomework Àü*¼± ¿Ï·á 2024-05-24 300

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04