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영작교정 게시판

영어 말하기와 쓰기를 동시에 잡는다!

자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
회원님들께 무료로 제공해드리는 부가 서비스로, 전문 분야를 제외한 자유 주제
또는 강사님이 내주시는 과제를 회원님께서 영어로 작성해주시면,
담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

The implication of having an aging population.

작성자: 김*민
2024-03-28 241

회원님의 영작문

We talked about this issues at the class on March 28 :) But I want to express my opinions more.

The increasing of population the elderly and decreasing of birthrate are very serious social issues in Korea.
I think aging phenomenon in Korea is serious when I realized that amount of my pension will be small after retirement even if I pay a lot of pension premium :(

But I think Korean government don't try to make fundamental solutions. I was very shocked that government announced a policy of hiring foreign domestic workers to solve the low birthrate!

In Korea, gender salary gap is the most severe among the OECD countries and the unemployment rate of women is higher than that of men.
Also I think that the social atmosphere in which husbands don't help with childcare is one of the key reasons of for the decline in birth rates.
Therefore, I insist the fundamental solution of increasing birthrate is improving Korean's gender sensitivity.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

I want to clap as I am very impressed with your answer, Min. ^^ It’s very rare nowadays that people like you would analyze these social dilemmas. Amazing and fantastic work!
-Khai

We talked about this issues at the class on March 28 :) 

>> CORRECT

But I want to express my opinions more.

>> CORRECT

OR

>> However, I would like to share more of what I think.

The increasing of population the elderly and decreasing of birthrate are very serious social issues in Korea.

>> The increase in the elderly population and the decrease in birthrate are very serous social issues in Korea.

I think aging phenomenon in Korea is serious when I realized that amount of my pension will be small after retirement even if I pay a lot of pension premium :(

>> I think the aging phenomenon in Korea is serious. I realized that the amount of my pension will be small after my retirement, even if I pay the premium. :(

But I think Korean government don't try to make fundamental solutions. 

>> But I think the Korean government doesn’t think about this and doesn’t try to find fundamental solutions.

I was very shocked that government announced a policy of hiring foreign domestic workers to solve the low birthrate!

>> CORRECT

In Korea, gender salary gap is the most severe among the OECD countries and the unemployment rate of women is higher than that of men.

>> In Korea, the gender salary gap is the most severe among the OECD countries, and the unemployment rate of women is higher than that of men.

Also I think that the social atmosphere in which husbands don't help with childcare is one of the key reasons of for the decline in birth rates.

>> Also, I think that the social atmosphere in which husbands don't help with childcare is one of the key reasons for the decline in birth rates.

Therefore, I insist the fundamental solution of increasing birthrate is improving Korean's gender sensitivity.

>> Therefore, I insist the fundamental solution to increasing birthrate is improving Korean's gender sensitivity.


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