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담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
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HW

작성자: 나*진
2024-03-26 963

회원님의 영작문

Neople is a gaming company best known for Dungeon & Fighter and Cyphers. Dungeon & Fighter is a belt-scroll action game launched in 2005, known for Easy-to-learn, hard-to-master accessibility, action-packed gameplay and iconic, pixelated art, making itself one of the world’s most popular and enduring game franchises . It made a great sucess in Korea and China, not only represents Neople but also stands as a flagship Korean gaming IP. Its success have been proven through numbers, it got over 850 million registered users worldwide, and achieve Life-to-date gross revenue well over $22 billion USD. This gross revenue is several billion dollars more than life-to-date box office of Star Wars and Harry Potter series; more than double the revenue of the entire Avengers series1. It have been serviced for a long time, constantly evolving for 18 years with new characters, skills and communities. Furthermore, there is still much potential that this game would expand their territory more, by using

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hello, Eugene!
Your response demonstrates a strong understanding of Neople and its flagship games. To improve, your description could be more concise and structured, focusing on key points such as the company's successes and a bit of your potential contributions as well. Overall, it's a great response with notable details. It's clear that you made your research. In addition, I think you ran out of space for the last sentence. I'll just put an ellipsis for now. I'm going to listen to what you have to add during our class. See you! 
~ Teacher Maxine

Neople is a gaming company best known for Dungeon & Fighter and Cyphers. 
>> CORRECT!

Dungeon & Fighter is a belt-scroll action game launched in 2005, known for Easy-to-learn, hard-to-master accessibility, action-packed gameplay and iconic, pixelated art, making itself one of the world’s most popular and enduring game franchises . 
>> Dungeon & Fighter is a belt-scroll action game launched in 2005, known for its easy-to-learn, hard-to-master accessibility, action-packed gameplay, and iconic, pixelated art, making it one of the world’s most popular and enduring game franchises.

It made a great sucess in Korea and China, not only represents Neople but also stands as a flagship Korean gaming IP. 
>> It has achieved great success in Korea and China, not only representing Neople but also standing as a flagship Korean gaming IP.

Its success have been proven through numbers, it got over 850 million registered users worldwide, and achieve Life-to-date gross revenue well over $22 billion USD. 
>> Its success has been proven through numbers; it has over 850 million registered users worldwide and has achieved life-to-date gross revenue well over $22 billion USD.

This gross revenue is several billion dollars more than life-to-date box office of Star Wars and Harry Potter series; more than double the revenue of the entire Avengers series1. 
>> This gross revenue is several billion dollars more than the life-to-date box office of the Star Wars and Harry Potter series; more than double the revenue of the entire Avengers series.

It have been serviced for a long time, constantly evolving for 18 years with new characters, skills and communities. 
>> It has been in service for a long time, constantly evolving for 18 years with new characters, skills, and communities.

Furthermore, there is still much potential that this game would expand their territory more, by using
>> Furthermore, there is still much potential for this game to expand its territory further by using...
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