¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

homework 03.11

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÃÖ*Ç
2024-03-11 651

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

~ Writing Task:
Please answer the question:
In what ways do you think retirement might be stressful?

In my opinion, it will be might stressful because of financial problem.
Actually, I don\'t know well the world of adults.
Anyway, I will also make a retirement plans in the future, other people also make plans.
But, except for financially stable people, after the retirement most people are face stress.
The most people want the average age to retirement in Korea is 65.
But, these days the major companies in Korea the average retirement age is early 50s.
This age is too short for prepare the retirement plan.
In addition, if I retire at middle age, there are many companies don\'t well hire me.
But, inevitable financial pressure, many people find again jobs and re-apply even after retire.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi, Keon!
Thank you so much for taking time in answering the question. Your ideas and opinions are on point. Keep it up! :)
~ T. Camille


~ Writing Task:
Please answer the question:
In what ways do you think retirement might be stressful?


In my opinion, it will be might stressful because of financial problem.
>> In my opinion, it might be stressful because of financial problems.
Actually, I don\'t know well the world of adults.
>> Actually, I don't know the world of adults very well.
Anyway, I will also make a retirement plan in the future, other people also make plans.
>> CORRECT!
But, except for financially stable people, after the retirement most people are face stress.
>> But, except for financially stable people, after the retirement, most people face a lot of stress.
OR >> But, except for financially stable people, after the retirement, most people experience a lot of stress.
The most people want the average age to retirement in Korea is 65.
>>  Most people in Korea want to retire at the age of 65, which is the average age for retirement.
But, these days the major companies in Korea the average retirement age is early 50s.
>> But, these days, for major companies in Korea, the average retirement age is early 50s.
This age is too short for prepare the retirement plan.
>> This age is too short to prepare for their retirement plan.
In addition, if I retire at middle age, there are many companies don\'t well hire me.
>> In addition, if I retire at middle age, there are many companies that won't hire me.
But, inevitable financial pressure, many people find again jobs and re-apply even after retire.
>> But, because of inevitable financial pressure, many people find jobs again and re-apply even after retirement.

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
132449 I would not spend more time with my computer. ¹Ú*À² ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 963
132448 Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 737
132447 homework_231114 ÇÑ*·Ï ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 0
132446 How do you spend your time? ÀÌ*¼º ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 8
132445 WRITING TASK: How can joining an organization help an individual? ÀÓ*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 2
132444 homework ±è*¸° ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 1
132443 DIARY ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 1
132442 diary ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 2
132441 homework Á¤*¾È ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 1
132440 Positive mindset ÀÓ*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 987
132439 Long lasting relationship with my husband ¾ç*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 1441
132438 An American report says home-schooled children do much better... À±*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 2
132437 Can you have a democracy if some people cannot vote? ±è*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 2
132436 Homework ½Å*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 2724
132435 Homework ½Å*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 534
132434 homework ¾È*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 615
132433 Homework ¾È*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 487
132432 How far into the future would you like to travel? What do you... ±è*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 487
132431 Do you watch television shows in English to help improve your... Á¶*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 0
132430 Homework ±è*´Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-11-15 548

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04