¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

My dream house

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ¹Ú*À²
2024-03-06 707

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

I'll describe about my dream house.
I want a house that have a pool, a library and a cat's room.
Because, I like to swim still now with my family.
Also, my one of the wishes is read all the books in the world.
Lastly, I like cats the most in the animals so I would like to put cat's room for my cat.
And I want a beautiful ocean.
So I want Hawaii to build my house.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi Julie, thank you for working on your homework. Here are some changes for you to review. The sentences have been simplified for better understanding and rewritten for clarity. I've also made some grammar corrections. Keep up the good works!
Sincerely,  
^^ T. Ara

I'll describe about my dream house.
>>> I will describe my dream house. 
I want a house that have a pool, a library and a cat's room.
>>> It would have a pool, a library, and a room specifically for my cat. 
Because, I like to swim still now with my family.
>>> I love swimming with my family, and it's a favorite activity of ours. 
Also, my one of the wishes is read all the books in the world.
>>> Reading all the books in the world is one of my wishes, so a library is a must-have. 
Lastly, I like cats the most in the animals so I would like to put cat's room for my cat.
>>> Cats are my favorite animals, so I want a special room just for my cat. 
And I want a beautiful ocean.
>>> And I dream of having a house with a beautiful ocean view, 
So I want Hawaii to build my house.
>>> so I'd love to build it in Hawaii.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
131501 A few extra hours in a day ÀÌ*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-10-08 855
131500 Making a reservation. ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-08 0
131499 Trip ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-08 1
131498 HOMEWORK-231006 ¾ç*¾Ö ¿Ï·á 2023-10-08 1
131497 homwork ¹Ú*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-07 2
131496 Describe a party you attended. ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-10-07 1
131495 Are ther any books that have had a profound impact on your life... ÀÌ*À± ¿Ï·á 2023-10-07 1100
131494 Are you happy with the programs on TV nowadays? ±è*¼ø ¿Ï·á 2023-10-06 1105
131493 homework ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-06 1217
131492 WRITING TASK: Who do you want to go to a cinema with? Why? ÀÓ*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-10-06 4
131491 Do you think electricity is the greatest invention ever? ¿¡*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2023-10-06 3
131490 HOMEWORK: Please write a short paragraph about ¡°My favorite... ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2023-10-06 2
131489 My favorite food (Homework) Á¤*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-06 1532
131488 homework ÀÌ*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-06 1108
131487 I want friend is--- ÀÌ*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-06 772
131486 What do you know about Australian culture? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-10-06 897
131485 What is your favorite emoji? ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2023-10-06 1104
131484 Do you enjoy working in groups or alone? ¼Û*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-10-06 1192
131483 Homework ±è*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2023-10-06 3
131482 If you could travel back in time, where would you go? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-10-06 777

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04