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영작교정 게시판

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담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
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1. Why did you decide to apply for this position?

작성자: 최*은
2024-03-06 476

회원님의 영작문

▶ Why did you decide to apply for this position?

Preventing safety accidents is rewarding. I participated in field training at the Environmental Evaluation Center of the Korea Institute of Industrial Technology, and there were no accidents or injuries during the time I was in the laboratory.
I used to clear up drugs with a name tag to the distinction clear, because the names of the drugs stored on the shelves are not clearly visible.
Also, I recommended people who use my laboratory to wear lab clothes and goggles. Thanks to these efforts, I was able to create a safe laboratory.
This was the trigger, so I got a writing certificate for industrial safety and dangerous goods.
and I acquired notes from an industrial safety engineer and a dangerous goods industry engineer.
I will Improve my work expertise by obtaining a engineer’s certificate as soon as possible.

I hope to advance my career as a member of your company.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hello Goeun,  

 

Great job on your response to this interview question. I'm impressed by your response to the question about why you decided to apply for the Safety Manager position. Your dedication to preventing safety accidents and your proactive approach to creating a safe laboratory environment truly shine through in your answer. It's evident that you have a genuine passion for safety and a strong commitment to ensuring the well-being of others. 

 

Overall, your response showcases your qualifications, experiences, and enthusiasm for the Safety Manager position. I have no doubt that your dedication and skills will make you a valuable asset to any company. Keep up the fantastic work, and I wish you the best of luck in your interview! 

 

Here's a suggestion for a response to the question "Why did you decide to apply for this position?" tailored for a Safety Manager position: 

 

I am drawn to this position because I am deeply passionate about ensuring safety in the workplace. My experiences during field training at the Environmental Evaluation Center of the Korea Institute of Industrial Technology reinforced the importance of proactive safety measures. During this time, I implemented initiatives such as organizing drugs with clear name tags and recommending safety attire for laboratory users. As a result, we were able to maintain a safe laboratory environment with no accidents or injuries. 

These experiences motivated me to further my expertise in industrial safety and dangerous goods. I obtained a writing certificate for industrial safety and dangerous goods and sought guidance from industry experts. Additionally, I am committed to enhancing my qualifications by obtaining an engineer’s certificate. 

I am excited about the opportunity to contribute my skills and passion for safety to your company. I believe that my proactive approach and dedication to safety align well with the values of your organization. I am eager to learn and grow professionally, and I am confident that my contributions will make a positive impact on safety outcomes. 

Thank you for considering my application. I am enthusiastic about the prospect of advancing my career with your company and contributing to its success.


~Teacher Cathy 

  

Preventing safety accidents is rewarding.  

>>CORRECT 

OR>>Ensuring safety and preventing accidents is rewarding. 

I participated in field training at the Environmental Evaluation Center of the Korea Institute of Industrial Technology, and there were no accidents or injuries during the time I was in the laboratory. 

>>CORRECT 

OR>>During my participation in field training at the Environmental Evaluation Center of the Korea Institute of Industrial Technology, there were no accidents or injuries in the laboratory. 

I used to clear up drugs with a name tag to the distinction clear because the names of the drugs stored on the shelves are not clearly visible. 

>>I used to clear up drugs with a name tag to the distinction clear because the names of the drugs stored on the shelves were not clearly visible. 

OR>>I used to organize drugs by placing name tags to clearly distinguish them, as the names of the drugs stored on the shelves were not clearly visible 

Also, I recommended people who use my laboratory to wear lab clothes and goggles.  

>>Also I recommended people who use my laboratory wear lab clothes and goggles. 

OR>>Additionally, I advised individuals using my laboratory to wear lab coats and goggles. 

Thanks to these efforts, I was able to create a safe laboratory. 

>>CORRECT 

OR>>Thanks to these efforts, I successfully established a safe laboratory environment. 

This was the trigger, so I got a writing certificate for industrial safety and dangerous goods. 

>>CORRECT 

OR>>As a result, I obtained a certification in industrial safety and hazardous materials handling due to this incident. 

And I acquired notes from an industrial safety engineer and a dangerous goods industry engineer. 

>>CORRECT 

OR>>I obtained notes from both an industrial safety engineer and a hazardous materials handling engineer. 

I will Improve my work expertise by obtaining a engineer’s certificate as soon as possible. 

>> I will improve my work expertise by obtaining an engineer’s certificate as soon as possible. 

OR>>I will enhance my professional expertise by obtaining an engineer’s certificate as soon as possible. 

I hope to advance my career as a member of your company. 

>>CORRECT 

OR>>I aspire to advance my career as a member of your company. 

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