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영작교정 게시판

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자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
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담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

How can individuals maintain a healthy balance between virtual and real-life experiences?

작성자: 김*경
2024-02-02 1325

회원님의 영작문

I think gamers' confusing between virtual life and real one might be brought about by too many hours of exposure to games. So, gamers are to be careful to be moderate about games, it is important to refrain from excessive playing games to the point to damage their mental or physical health.
However, it is easier said than done because of its additive characters. Therefore, gamers can be helped by those around them to contain themselves. In this regard, solitary people can be more likely to be addicted to games. As many pundits have attributed many juvenile delinquencies to the video games full of aggressive contents or obscene scenes, we need to approach this matter in the matter of social problems, such as to set up sanctions for violent games for those under 18. Also, our society should share its dangers with all members to make effective countermeasures against them.
Our youngsters vulnerable to games are our future that we need to make the utmost to keep them safe from dangers.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi there Steve! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I completely agree with your suggestion that gamers should be cautious and moderate in their gaming habits and prioritize their mental and physical well-being. It's important to remember that taking breaks and engaging in other activities can help to prevent burnout and ensure a healthy balance. Once again, thanks for sharing your composition!

T. JAMIE


I think gamers' confusing between virtual life and real one might be brought about by too many hours of exposure to games.
>>I believe that gamers' confusion between virtual life and real life might be brought about by spending too many hours playing games.

So, gamers are to be careful to be moderate about games, it is important to refrain from excessive playing games to the point to damage their mental or physical health.
>>So, gamers need to be careful and moderate their gaming habits; it is important to refrain from excessive playing, as it can potentially damage their mental and physical health.

However, it is easier said than done because of its additive characters.
>>However, it is easier said than done because of its addictive characteristics.

Therefore, gamers can be helped by those around them to contain themselves.
>>CORRECT
OR>> Therefore, gamers can be assisted by those around them in controlling themselves.

In this regard, solitary people can be more likely to be addicted to games.
>>CORRECT
OR >> In this regard, individuals who tend to be solitary may be more prone to developing a gaming addiction.

As many pundits have attributed many juvenile delinquencies to the video games full of aggressive contents or obscene scenes, we need to approach this matter in the matter of social problems, such as to set up sanctions for violent games for those under 18. 
>>As many pundits have attributed juvenile delinquencies to video games with aggressive or obscene content, we need to address this issue as a social problem. Implementing sanctions for violent games for those under 18 could be one approach.

Also, our society should share its dangers with all members to make effective countermeasures against them.
>>CORRECT
OR >> Furthermore, our society should communicate the dangers associated with these issues to all members to devise and implement effective countermeasures.

Our youngsters vulnerable to games are our future that we need to make the utmost to keep them safe from dangers.
>>CORRECT
OR>> Our youngsters, who are vulnerable to the influence of games, represent our future. It is crucial that we make every effort to keep them safe from potential dangers.



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