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영작교정 게시판

영어 말하기와 쓰기를 동시에 잡는다!

자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
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또는 강사님이 내주시는 과제를 회원님께서 영어로 작성해주시면,
담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

What could be the solution for the decline of the birth rate in your country?

작성자: 황*은
2024-01-31 719

회원님의 영작문

I think the decline of the birth rate derives from the unsatisfacting life. They don't think they can afford children.
But why are they not satisfied to their life? Most people want to enter good university, good firm and good house but I think that's not what they really want. Since we were young, we have been educated to 'just' do something and we didn't have many chance to express ourselves so we don't know what we want well and we just eager what others eager. Everyone wants same thing(to live in Seoul, make lots of money and enter big company). So the competition became tougher and we earn less with more effort. That's why we think our lives are tough.
So to solve the declining population problem, I think the competition has to be loosened. Our education has to be changed and policies should also be followed for people not to quit doing what they want. Another big city as Seoul is needed. We need to be dispersed. Instant solution will be giving money.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hello Seoung Eun!
I truly admire your dedication to this class. Whenever I ask you to write homework, you don't put yourself into it but you make sure you express your thoughts concerning a matter. Great job and keep the passion alive!
T. Aki~

I think the decline of the birth rate derives from the unsatisfacting life. 
>>> I think the decline in the birth rate derives from an unsatisfying life. 

They don't think they can afford children.
>>> They don't think they can afford to have children.

But why are they not satisfied to their life? Most people want to enter good university, good firm and good house but I think that's not what they really want.
>>> But why are they not satisfied with their life? Most people want to enter a good university, a good firm, and have a good house but I think that's not what they want.

Since we were young, we have been educated to 'just' do something and we didn't have many chance to express ourselves so we don't know what we want well and we just eager what others eager.
>>> Since we were young, we have been educated to 'just' do something and we didn't have many chances to express ourselves so we don't know what we want well, and we are just eager because that's what others are.

Everyone wants same thing(to live in Seoul, make lots of money and enter big company).
>>> Everyone wants the same thing(to live in Seoul, make lots of money, and enter a big company).

So the competition became tougher and we earn less with more effort. That's why we think our lives are tough.
>>> So the competition becomes tougher and we earned less with more effort. That's why we think that our lives are tough.

So to solve the declining population problem, I think the competition has to be loosened.
>>> CORRECT!

Our education has to be changed and policies should also be followed for people not to quit doing what they want.
>>> CORRECT!

Another big city as Seoul is needed. We need to be dispersed. Instant solution will be giving money.
>>>  Another big city like Seoul is needed. We need to be dispersed. An instant solution will be giving money.

번호 제목 글쓴이 공개 상태 등록일 조회수
131807 CHOMEWORK: Please write a short paragraph about “What is the... 앨* 완료 2023-10-20 0
131806 homework 정*호 완료 2023-10-20 0
131805 arts or public services 정*안 완료 2023-10-20 3
131804 Have you watched any sports live at a sports ground or stadium?... 이*윤 완료 2023-10-20 927
131803 Homework 권*미 완료 2023-10-20 0
131802 Homework 류*우 완료 2023-10-20 774
131801 Homework 장*희 완료 2023-10-20 1
131800 Buying some things for my family and friends 이*규 완료 2023-10-20 803
131799 homework_231019 한*록 완료 2023-10-20 1012
131798 Home work 김*혜 완료 2023-10-20 705
131797 Home work 김*혜 완료 2023-10-20 530
131796 Homework 신*화 완료 2023-10-20 490
131795 army 권*희 완료 2023-10-20 781
131794 Do you like eating out at famous restaurants where there are... 신*정 완료 2023-10-20 800
131793 Homework 신*화 완료 2023-10-20 755
131792 Homework 신*화 완료 2023-10-20 694
131791 How can we help the older generation relate to the younger... 조*지 완료 2023-10-20 0
131790 homwork 박*준 완료 2023-10-20 0
131789 Describe the world 100 years from now. Describe how people live,... 김*규 완료 2023-10-20 0
131788 231019HOMEWORK 양*애 완료 2023-10-20 1

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