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영작교정 게시판

영어 말하기와 쓰기를 동시에 잡는다!

자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
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또는 강사님이 내주시는 과제를 회원님께서 영어로 작성해주시면,
담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

What could be the solution for the decline of the birth rate in your country?

작성자: 황*은
2024-01-31 632

회원님의 영작문

I think the decline of the birth rate derives from the unsatisfacting life. They don't think they can afford children.
But why are they not satisfied to their life? Most people want to enter good university, good firm and good house but I think that's not what they really want. Since we were young, we have been educated to 'just' do something and we didn't have many chance to express ourselves so we don't know what we want well and we just eager what others eager. Everyone wants same thing(to live in Seoul, make lots of money and enter big company). So the competition became tougher and we earn less with more effort. That's why we think our lives are tough.
So to solve the declining population problem, I think the competition has to be loosened. Our education has to be changed and policies should also be followed for people not to quit doing what they want. Another big city as Seoul is needed. We need to be dispersed. Instant solution will be giving money.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hello Seoung Eun!
I truly admire your dedication to this class. Whenever I ask you to write homework, you don't put yourself into it but you make sure you express your thoughts concerning a matter. Great job and keep the passion alive!
T. Aki~

I think the decline of the birth rate derives from the unsatisfacting life. 
>>> I think the decline in the birth rate derives from an unsatisfying life. 

They don't think they can afford children.
>>> They don't think they can afford to have children.

But why are they not satisfied to their life? Most people want to enter good university, good firm and good house but I think that's not what they really want.
>>> But why are they not satisfied with their life? Most people want to enter a good university, a good firm, and have a good house but I think that's not what they want.

Since we were young, we have been educated to 'just' do something and we didn't have many chance to express ourselves so we don't know what we want well and we just eager what others eager.
>>> Since we were young, we have been educated to 'just' do something and we didn't have many chances to express ourselves so we don't know what we want well, and we are just eager because that's what others are.

Everyone wants same thing(to live in Seoul, make lots of money and enter big company).
>>> Everyone wants the same thing(to live in Seoul, make lots of money, and enter a big company).

So the competition became tougher and we earn less with more effort. That's why we think our lives are tough.
>>> So the competition becomes tougher and we earned less with more effort. That's why we think that our lives are tough.

So to solve the declining population problem, I think the competition has to be loosened.
>>> CORRECT!

Our education has to be changed and policies should also be followed for people not to quit doing what they want.
>>> CORRECT!

Another big city as Seoul is needed. We need to be dispersed. Instant solution will be giving money.
>>>  Another big city like Seoul is needed. We need to be dispersed. An instant solution will be giving money.

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136250 Homework 권*윤 완료 2024-04-09 1
136249 Homework 류*우 완료 2024-04-09 390
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136247 Why does a company need to do an interview before hiring? 이*윤 완료 2024-04-09 502
136246 HW 나*진 완료 2024-04-09 480
136245 homework 박*혜 완료 2024-04-09 578
136244 Most vices are bad but not illegal. What activities should be... 오*현 완료 2024-04-09 407
136243 homework 이*수 완료 2024-04-09 561
136242 What do you dislike more, a loud neighbor or a nosy neighbor? 천*은 완료 2024-04-09 501
136241 It is better to stay home on your day off or go somewhere? 윤*진 완료 2024-04-09 3
136240 What do you mostly look forward to when you enter a company? Why? 송*하 완료 2024-04-09 455
136239 How can clothes help us express our culture and identity? 박*호 완료 2024-04-09 441
136238 My parent\'s advice 양*연 완료 2024-04-09 550
136237 What makes a bad cafe? 김*지 완료 2024-04-09 1
136236 Homework 김*님 완료 2024-04-09 556
136235 How important is it to encourage children to take up hobbies? 오*소 완료 2024-04-09 0
136234 About long average working hour 정*훈 완료 2024-04-09 634
136233 HOMEWORK: Why do people need to learn English as a second... 이*은 완료 2024-04-09 328
136232 homework 박*연 완료 2024-04-09 607
136231 HOMEWORK: Describe your favorite person. 이*은 완료 2024-04-09 560

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