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영작교정 게시판

영어 말하기와 쓰기를 동시에 잡는다!

자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
회원님들께 무료로 제공해드리는 부가 서비스로, 전문 분야를 제외한 자유 주제
또는 강사님이 내주시는 과제를 회원님께서 영어로 작성해주시면,
담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

What could be the solution for the decline of the birth rate in your country?

작성자: 황*은
2024-01-31 946

회원님의 영작문

I think the decline of the birth rate derives from the unsatisfacting life. They don't think they can afford children.
But why are they not satisfied to their life? Most people want to enter good university, good firm and good house but I think that's not what they really want. Since we were young, we have been educated to 'just' do something and we didn't have many chance to express ourselves so we don't know what we want well and we just eager what others eager. Everyone wants same thing(to live in Seoul, make lots of money and enter big company). So the competition became tougher and we earn less with more effort. That's why we think our lives are tough.
So to solve the declining population problem, I think the competition has to be loosened. Our education has to be changed and policies should also be followed for people not to quit doing what they want. Another big city as Seoul is needed. We need to be dispersed. Instant solution will be giving money.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hello Seoung Eun!
I truly admire your dedication to this class. Whenever I ask you to write homework, you don't put yourself into it but you make sure you express your thoughts concerning a matter. Great job and keep the passion alive!
T. Aki~

I think the decline of the birth rate derives from the unsatisfacting life. 
>>> I think the decline in the birth rate derives from an unsatisfying life. 

They don't think they can afford children.
>>> They don't think they can afford to have children.

But why are they not satisfied to their life? Most people want to enter good university, good firm and good house but I think that's not what they really want.
>>> But why are they not satisfied with their life? Most people want to enter a good university, a good firm, and have a good house but I think that's not what they want.

Since we were young, we have been educated to 'just' do something and we didn't have many chance to express ourselves so we don't know what we want well and we just eager what others eager.
>>> Since we were young, we have been educated to 'just' do something and we didn't have many chances to express ourselves so we don't know what we want well, and we are just eager because that's what others are.

Everyone wants same thing(to live in Seoul, make lots of money and enter big company).
>>> Everyone wants the same thing(to live in Seoul, make lots of money, and enter a big company).

So the competition became tougher and we earn less with more effort. That's why we think our lives are tough.
>>> So the competition becomes tougher and we earned less with more effort. That's why we think that our lives are tough.

So to solve the declining population problem, I think the competition has to be loosened.
>>> CORRECT!

Our education has to be changed and policies should also be followed for people not to quit doing what they want.
>>> CORRECT!

Another big city as Seoul is needed. We need to be dispersed. Instant solution will be giving money.
>>>  Another big city like Seoul is needed. We need to be dispersed. An instant solution will be giving money.

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140193 What’s the most important date in your calendar and why? 이*범 완료 2024-10-02 94
140192 My motto of life 도*경 완료 2024-10-02 332
140191 황*하 완료 2024-10-02 70
140190 Which place or country would you like to visit at least once in... 장*영 완료 2024-10-02 68
140189 Yes 민*정 완료 2024-10-02 1
140188 What are the advantages of living in a city? 최*영 완료 2024-10-02 0
140187 What is one hobby you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t yet? 임*미 완료 2024-10-02 234
140186 Homework 노*철 완료 2024-10-02 341
140185 Homework 노*철 완료 2024-10-02 136
140184 What is your favorite day of the week and why? 이*범 완료 2024-10-02 5
140183 Homework 노*철 완료 2024-10-02 114
140182 This is short essay about Korean greetings culture! 서*은 완료 2024-10-02 2
140181 Homework 오*봄 완료 2024-10-01 0
140180 Which is a better way to spend your holiday, go away on vacation... 손*희 완료 2024-10-01 96
140179 My homework 이*도 완료 2024-10-01 360
140178 My homework 이*도 완료 2024-10-01 295
140177 What are the benefits of having hobbies? 윤*원 완료 2024-10-01 0
140176 Giving advice 박*경 완료 2024-10-01 320
140175 What are the best and worst things about October for you? 차*진 완료 2024-10-01 140

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