¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

Can money buy happiness?

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*°æ
2023-11-22 1058

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

In short, No way! if we can buy happiness with a fortune, There are no rich people who don¡¯t live a happy life. However, as you might expect, this is not the case. I think money is just a tool we can make the use of to be happy, not something to make us happy. Whenever I see some people clinging and holding firmly to making a fortune with a strong belief that money can give them happiness, I feel sorry. Rather, I believe relationship can bring happiness to us: a relationship with people and God. Money is the cherry on top of a good relationship. We need to make a point to think about why rich people have tried to share their fortune which they acquired after long years of their efforts and sacrifice.

To make a long story short, money is a good tool to help happiness more fruitful. So we shouldn¡¯t put the cart before the horse, avoiding getting obsessed with falsehood about money. We have to keep in mind that what many people have pursued always doesn¡¯t turn out to be good for us.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi Steve! Great job! Grammatically speaking, your sentences are all correct. Excellent work. However, revised sentences are sent to make the statements more clear. Great job!



In short, No way! if we can buy happiness with a fortune, There are no rich people who don¡¯t live a happy life. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> If it were possible to buy happiness with a fortune, there would be no rich people who don't live a happy life.
However, as you might expect, this is not the case. 
>>> CORRECT!
I think money is just a tool we can make the use of to be happy, not something to make us happy. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> I think money is just a tool we can use to be happy, not something that makes us happy.
Whenever I see some people clinging and holding firmly to making a fortune with a strong belief that money can give them happiness, I feel sorry. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> When I see people clinging to the belief that making a fortune will bring them happiness, I feel sorry for them.
Rather, I believe relationship can bring happiness to us: a relationship with people and God. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> Instead, I believe that relationships with people and God can bring happiness to us.
Money is the cherry on top of a good relationship. 
>>> CORRECT!
We need to make a point to think about why rich people have tried to share their fortune which they acquired after long years of their efforts and sacrifice.
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> We need to consider why rich people have tried to share the fortune they acquired after years of effort and sacrifice.
To make a long story short, money is a good tool to help happiness more fruitful. 
>>> CORRECT!
So we shouldn¡¯t put the cart before the horse, avoiding getting obsessed with falsehood about money. 
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> So we shouldn¡¯t put the cart before the horse, avoiding becoming obsessed with falsehoods about money.
We have to keep in mind that what many people have pursued always doesn¡¯t turn out to be good for us.
>>> CORRECT!
OR >>> We have to keep in mind that what many people have pursued doesn't always turn out to be good for us.

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
132199 Homework ½Å*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-06 1929
132198 Homework ½Å*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-06 1202
132197 A valuable lesson or piece of advice you\\\'ve learned... ÀÓ*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-11-06 3758
132196 Homework Á¤*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-06 1566
132195 What is something that you regret in the past that you want to... Á¶*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-11-06 0
132194 03.Nov.2023 ±è*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-06 1
132193 retirement ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-06 2170
132192 my best running time ÃÖ*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-06 1139
132191 Are there any movies that you can watch over and over again... ÀÌ*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2023-11-05 1
132190 Should employers set aside time during the day for their... ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-11-05 1
132189 What do you think the differences are between male and female... À±*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2023-11-05 3
132188 Good to experience diversity °­*À² ¿Ï·á 2023-11-05 1
132187 homework ¾È*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-05 1284
132186 What aspects of your city would you complain about? ±Ç*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-11-05 1473
132185 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-11-05 1895
132184 HOMEWORK FOR 11.03.2023 WRITING TASK: Would you feel bad if... ÀÓ*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-11-05 4
132183 What are the dangers of swimming to the open water alone? ±è*±¹ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-04 1
132182 How can you protect yourself from dangers abroad? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-11-04 2012
132181 Why is financial stability important? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-11-04 2259
132180 Homework Á¤*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2023-11-04 7

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04