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영어 말하기와 쓰기를 동시에 잡는다!

자신 있게 쓸 수 있는 영작문을 위해 파워잉글리쉬 수업을 수강하시는
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또는 강사님이 내주시는 과제를 회원님께서 영어로 작성해주시면,
담당 강사 님께서 ‘문법 오류 교정’ 과 ‘더 나은 영어식 표현’으로 교정해주는
서비스 입니다.

Why is it necessary to keep one\'s privacy in this technology-driven world?

작성자: 김*경
2023-08-23 2306

회원님의 영작문

I think privacy should be kept no matter whether it is a technology-driven world or not. However, nowadays, more and more people communicate with others and put their pictures and personal information in store on the web. So, if hackers or IT experts want to steal personal information or invade privacy, it is not hard for them to do it. On top of that, more people use other's pictures, or information senseless while doing SNS activities, and unexpected privacy invasion can occur in the process, which sometimes leads the invaders liable for what they've done. The more interaction we're involved in SNS, the more susceptible and vulnerable to privacy violations we can get. That's why we need to be more careful not to invade privacy.
On the other hand, we need to learn how to deal with these legal arguments by taking classes about privacy violations for protecting us. The everlasting truth that good and bad things always coexist in all technologies, systems, and rules also applies here.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Hi, Steve!

Thank you for answering your homework.

~T. Divina^^

Here are some things to take note of:

1. I think privacy should be kept no matter whether it is a technology-driven world or not. 
>>I think privacy should be kept whether we are in a technology-driven world or not. 

2. However, nowadays, more and more people communicate with others and put their pictures and personal information in store on the web.
>>CORRECT! 

3. So, if hackers or IT experts want to steal personal information or invade privacy, it is not hard for them to do it. 
>>CORRECT! 

4. On top of that, more people use other's pictures, or information senseless while doing SNS activities, and unexpected privacy invasion can occur in the process, which sometimes leads the invaders liable for what they've done. 
>>On top of that, more people use other's pictures or information senselessly while doing SNS activities and unexpected privacy invasion can occur in the process, which sometimes leads the invaders liable for what they've done. 

5. The more interaction we're involved in SNS, the more susceptible and vulnerable to privacy violations we can get. 
>>The more interaction we involved ourselves in SNS, the more susceptible and vulnerable we can get to privacy violations.

6. That's why we need to be more careful not to invade privacy.
>>CORRECT!

7. On the other hand, we need to learn how to deal with these legal arguments by taking classes about privacy violations for protecting us.
>>On the other hand, we need to learn how to deal with these legal arguments by taking classes about privacy violations in order to protect us.

8. The everlasting truth that good and bad things always coexist in all technologies, systems, and rules also applies here.
>>CORRECT!
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