¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

7/27 wiriting task

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÀÌ*Àç
2023-07-28 1699

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Q: What is your opinion about the rising number of crimes in South Korea?
A:
Crimes get more increase in these days and it happens to unspecified individuals. It means I can also be a target of crime. So I feel scary.
One of the reason why rising number of crimes is people getting crazy.
We are not interested in each other, Some people think big problems if they go behind, Society that indiviualism being maximized. These are make people crazy.
And we need to strengthen the law. I really really want. We have to be a more strict to criminal then we expect reducing the number of crimes.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Thank you so much for sharing your opinion with me, Rachel!  I can tell you're quite passionate about making the punishments more strict, and you have all the right to feel that way because as you mentioned, you could also be a target of crime.  Let's hope that the government doesn't take these situations lightly, and instead, serve the country accordingly by protecting the citizens.  Great job with this essay, Rachel. You were able to share a lot of ideas with me. 
~T.Harmony <3

Crimes get more increase in these days and it happens to unspecified individuals. 
>> Crimes are increasing these days, and they happen to unspecified individuals.
OR>> Crimes are increasing these days, and unspecified individuals are being victimized.

It means I can also be a target of crime. 
>> CORRECT!

So I feel scary.
>> So I feel scared.

One of the reason why rising number of crimes is people getting crazy.
>> One of the reasons behind the rising number of crimes is that people are becoming crazy.

We are not interested in each other, Some people think big problems if they go behind, Society that indiviualism being maximized. 
>> ..., some people think that individualism is being maximized in our society if they hide behind big problems.

These are make people crazy.
>> These make people crazy.

And we need to strengthen the law. 
>> CORRECT!

I really really want. 
>> CORRECT!

We have to be a more strict to criminal then we expect reducing the number of crimes
>> We have to be more strict to criminals in order for us to reduce the number of crimes. 
(Good use of the word "reduce"! ^^)
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
127697 Do you prefer travelling though the countryside or the city? Why? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-04-22 1813
127696 Homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-04-22 2
127695 Homework ¼Û*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 1216
127694 4.21 homework ±Ç*¸² ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 886
127693 Homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 0
127692 When I ate too much and ate too little. ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 1033
127691 homework ¹Ú*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 918
127690 homework ¹Ú*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 1119
127689 homework ½Å*Çö ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 1
127688 homework 04.21 ÃÖ*Ç ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 800
127687 What kind of people do you think would livestream their suicide?... ±è*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 5
127686 If you could live in another place, where would you want to and... ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 0
127685 Does your country have a good public transport system? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 1517
127684 Do you think it\'s necessary to have a goal? Why? Àü*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 1395
127683 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 1
127682 How will you assist a customer who is complaining about bad... õ*¶õ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 0
127681 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 1
127680 ¤Ó Á¶*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 1465
127679 Is it important for citizens to voice their opinions and... ±Ç*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 3
127678 Questions! ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2023-04-21 1320

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04