¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

7/27 wiriting task

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÀÌ*Àç
2023-07-28 1653

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Q: What is your opinion about the rising number of crimes in South Korea?
A:
Crimes get more increase in these days and it happens to unspecified individuals. It means I can also be a target of crime. So I feel scary.
One of the reason why rising number of crimes is people getting crazy.
We are not interested in each other, Some people think big problems if they go behind, Society that indiviualism being maximized. These are make people crazy.
And we need to strengthen the law. I really really want. We have to be a more strict to criminal then we expect reducing the number of crimes.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Thank you so much for sharing your opinion with me, Rachel!  I can tell you're quite passionate about making the punishments more strict, and you have all the right to feel that way because as you mentioned, you could also be a target of crime.  Let's hope that the government doesn't take these situations lightly, and instead, serve the country accordingly by protecting the citizens.  Great job with this essay, Rachel. You were able to share a lot of ideas with me. 
~T.Harmony <3

Crimes get more increase in these days and it happens to unspecified individuals. 
>> Crimes are increasing these days, and they happen to unspecified individuals.
OR>> Crimes are increasing these days, and unspecified individuals are being victimized.

It means I can also be a target of crime. 
>> CORRECT!

So I feel scary.
>> So I feel scared.

One of the reason why rising number of crimes is people getting crazy.
>> One of the reasons behind the rising number of crimes is that people are becoming crazy.

We are not interested in each other, Some people think big problems if they go behind, Society that indiviualism being maximized. 
>> ..., some people think that individualism is being maximized in our society if they hide behind big problems.

These are make people crazy.
>> These make people crazy.

And we need to strengthen the law. 
>> CORRECT!

I really really want. 
>> CORRECT!

We have to be a more strict to criminal then we expect reducing the number of crimes
>> We have to be more strict to criminals in order for us to reduce the number of crimes. 
(Good use of the word "reduce"! ^^)
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
128324 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1730
128323 Homework Àü*¼± ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1408
128322 lesson À±*¼º ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1643
128321 Home work Á¶* ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1416
128320 Homework Á¤*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1413
128319 homework 05.18 ÃÖ*Ç ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1271
128318 The Gyeongju World is excellent. ¿À*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 3
128317 Does your family go to the theatre? What movies do you watch? ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 0
128316 In three to five sentences (3-5), talk about your \"worst day.\" ¹é*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 2163
128315 What activities or games do you play with your friends? ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1613
128314 What do you think is an appropriate punishment for cyberbullying ¹Ú*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1738
128313 The country I want to visit ¼Û*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1532
128312 Homework ±è*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1895
128311 Homework ±è*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1437
128310 I think it is just affected by people who are ignorant. ÀÌ*¿õ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1
128309 Homework ±è*¶õ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1
128308 I can teach!! ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1978
128307 How has your country changed from five years ago? ¹Ú*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1450
128306 What are the advantages of smart phone? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 1537
128305 Homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2023-05-18 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04