¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

7/27 wiriting task

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÀÌ*Àç
2023-07-28 749

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Q: What is your opinion about the rising number of crimes in South Korea?
A:
Crimes get more increase in these days and it happens to unspecified individuals. It means I can also be a target of crime. So I feel scary.
One of the reason why rising number of crimes is people getting crazy.
We are not interested in each other, Some people think big problems if they go behind, Society that indiviualism being maximized. These are make people crazy.
And we need to strengthen the law. I really really want. We have to be a more strict to criminal then we expect reducing the number of crimes.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Thank you so much for sharing your opinion with me, Rachel!  I can tell you're quite passionate about making the punishments more strict, and you have all the right to feel that way because as you mentioned, you could also be a target of crime.  Let's hope that the government doesn't take these situations lightly, and instead, serve the country accordingly by protecting the citizens.  Great job with this essay, Rachel. You were able to share a lot of ideas with me. 
~T.Harmony <3

Crimes get more increase in these days and it happens to unspecified individuals. 
>> Crimes are increasing these days, and they happen to unspecified individuals.
OR>> Crimes are increasing these days, and unspecified individuals are being victimized.

It means I can also be a target of crime. 
>> CORRECT!

So I feel scary.
>> So I feel scared.

One of the reason why rising number of crimes is people getting crazy.
>> One of the reasons behind the rising number of crimes is that people are becoming crazy.

We are not interested in each other, Some people think big problems if they go behind, Society that indiviualism being maximized. 
>> ..., some people think that individualism is being maximized in our society if they hide behind big problems.

These are make people crazy.
>> These make people crazy.

And we need to strengthen the law. 
>> CORRECT!

I really really want. 
>> CORRECT!

We have to be a more strict to criminal then we expect reducing the number of crimes
>> We have to be more strict to criminals in order for us to reduce the number of crimes. 
(Good use of the word "reduce"! ^^)
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
129532 Physical ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2023-07-14 0
129531 Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-07-14 1060
129530 WRITING TASK: What kind of preparation do you need for next year? ÀÓ*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-07-14 3
129529 Homework ½Å*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-07-14 1286
129528 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2023-07-14 0
129527 What factors do people consider when choosing an apartment... Ȳ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2023-07-14 3715
129526 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2023-07-14 1
129525 Homework 7/14 JA*UNG CHUNG ¿Ï·á 2023-07-14 1869
129524 Writing task ¾È*Çü ¿Ï·á 2023-07-14 1456
129523 7.11.Tue Ȳ*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-07-14 2300
129522 Day3 ½Å*À± ¿Ï·á 2023-07-14 0
129521 7/14 °í*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-07-14 19
129520 Homework È«*À± ¿Ï·á 2023-07-14 2
129519 What do you think about eating disorders such as Anorexia and... ¾ö*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2023-07-14 1763
129518 What quality do you admire most in people and which one do you... ¾È*½Ò ¿Ï·á 2023-07-14 1727
129517 Home work ±è*¶õ ¿Ï·á 2023-07-13 2
129516 homework 07.13 ÃÖ*Ç ¿Ï·á 2023-07-13 1458
129515 What pet do you have at home? ¼Û*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-07-13 2508
129514 Home work ±è* ¿Ï·á 2023-07-13 0
129513 What makes you feel happy? ÀÓ*È£ ¿Ï·á 2023-07-13 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04