¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

What do you think the Korean government should do with regards to the increasing rates of suicide in

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÀÌ*¾Æ
2023-06-19 1185

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

The Korean suicide rate has been hugely increasing, especially the suicide of celebrities and people who have a job that has to show their face and life to others. However, these pitful situations have not been able to control by one's will. In other words, it will be better when others' supports start. According to the National Life Group, "Communication can solve, or cause problems. It is the way we represent ourselves, make requests, share how we feel about the world and others" (Beverly, 2018). This is the point that the Korean government should know. How power and important communication is. As claimed by today's newspaper, almost all celebrities' suicide reasons are because of our words. Words change the life of a person whether it's a good way or bad way. Compliments make one's hope and dream; however, bullying, swears, and negative words lead to one's death. For those reasons, I think the Korean government should teach how to communicate, and respect others.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Well-said, Su A! Your essay was able to summarize your main points without feeling like there could be more to add. Everything was straight to the point.  The increasing rates of deaths by suicide is indeed an important issue that the government should also pay attention to. Let's hope we eventually see improvement from their side. 
~T.Harmony <3

The Korean suicide rate has been hugely increasing, especially the suicide of celebrities and people who have a job that has to show their face and life to others.  
>> CORRECT!
However, these pitful situations have not been able to control by one's will. 
>> However, these pitiful situations have not been able to be controlled by one's will.
In other words, it will be better when others' supports start. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> ..., it will be better if others will offer their support.
According to the National Life Group, "Communication can solve, or cause problems. It is the way we represent ourselves, make requests, share how we feel about the world and others" (Beverly, 2018). 
>> CORRECT!
This is the point that the Korean government should know. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> ...that the Korean government should be aware of.
How power and important communication is. 
>> How powerful and important communication is.
As claimed by today's newspaper, almost all celebrities' suicide reasons are because of our words. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> As reported by today's newspaper,...
Words change the life of a person whether it's a good way or bad way.
>> CORRECT!
 Compliments make one's hope and dream; however, bullying, swears, and negative words lead to one's death. 
>> CORRECT! (This is a very good statement!)
For those reasons, I think the Korean government should teach how to communicate, and respect others.
>> ...the Korean government should teach the general public how to communicate better and to respect other people.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
126086 homework ½Å*Çö ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 3
126085 I hate liars. ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 328
126084 Have you ever been in a difficult situation while traveling? Á¤*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 392
126083 favorite word ¹Ú*¶÷ ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 358
126082 Would you prefer to live in a house or an apartment Á¤*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 592
126081 Homework Àü*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 512
126080 Homework ±è*¼÷ ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 564
126079 Would you prefer to live in a house or an apartment? Why? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 364
126078 Do adult children need to have a financial obligation to their... ±è*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 2
126077 Is Korea a good place to live and retire in? ÀÌ*Çý ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 1
126076 HOMEWORK FOR TODAY: DIRECTION: ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 1
126075 Do you worry about cybercrime? Why or why not? ¹Ú*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 379
126074 homework ÀÌ*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 376
126073 Homework ¿¡*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 1
126072 Tuesday Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 399
126071 homework ±è*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 574
126070 Lesson 13: Homework ±è*Çý ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 449
126069 In your opinion, what types of food should people consume to... Ȳ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 382
126068 Do you like to go back to your team and make amends? ¼Û*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 1
126067 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2023-02-28 1

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04