¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

What advice can you give to people who are depressed? Do you think ordinary people can help the depr

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*°æ
2023-06-08 574

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Above all, One of the reasons why people are depressed is to compare themselves with others. As the old saying goes, don't compare your life with others. There's no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it's their time. So my advice is that each person has a respective time and purpose that you need not be conscious about others. Rather, you need to know yourself and your Creator more and more. Otherwise, we can't help but make a mistake barking up the wrong tree.
Therefore, if you're walking your own way, you're eligible to make proper advice to those struggling with depression because many mental illnesses such as depression may come from self-depreciation. However, if you're one of those who can feel relieved to see yourself above others, you can't be helpful to anyone, let alone yourself. More spiritually saying, I believe there is a wicked existence over people. So if you can't come to your senses for a while, you will soon find yourself way off the happiness.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello Steve,
This composition was great! You just have to pay attention to your consistency as we are talking from a third person's point of view.
Other than that, this composition is already great and very meaningful. Great job!
~T. Demi
Above all, One of the reasons why people are depressed is to compare themselves with others.
CORRECT!
OR>> Above all, One of the reasons why people are depressed is because they compare themselves with others.
As the old saying goes, don't compare your life with others. 
CORRECT!
There's no comparison between the sun and the moon. 
CORRECT!
They shine when it's their time. 
CORRECT!
So my advice is that each person has a respective time and purpose that you need not be conscious about others. 
>> So my advice is that each person should remember that they have their own respective time and purpose, they shouldn't be conscious about others.
Rather, you need to know yourself and your Creator more and more. 
>> Rather, they need to know much more about themselves and their Creator.
Otherwise, we can't help but make a mistake barking up the wrong tree.
CORRECT!
OR>> Otherwise, it's inevitable that they will make a mistake barking up the wrong tree.
Therefore, if you're walking your way, you're eligible to make proper advice to those struggling with depression because many mental illnesses such as depression may come from self-depreciation. 
CORRECT!
OR>>Therefore, if people are walking their own ways, then they're eligible to make proper advice to those struggling with depression because many mental illnesses such as depression may come from self-depreciation. 
However, if you're one of those who can feel relieved to see yourself above others, you can't be helpful to anyone, let alone yourself. More spiritually saying, I believe there is a wicked existence over people. 
CORRECT!
OR >>However, if they're one of those who are relieved to see themselves above others, they can't be helpful to anyone, let alone themselves. More spiritually saying, I believe there is a wicked existence over people. 
So if you can't come to your senses for a while, you will soon find yourself way off the happiness.
CORRECT!
OR>> So if they can't come to their senses for a while, they will soon find themselves drifting away from happiness.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
128032 On what occasions do you gather with your whole family? ¹®*¿í ¿Ï·á 2023-05-05 459
128031 Would legalizing soft drugs help reduce crime? ±è*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-05-05 5
128030 my favorite ride in an amusementpark ¼Û*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-05-05 509
128029 homework 05.05 ÃÖ*Ç ¿Ï·á 2023-05-05 439
128028 What things do you first notice about someone\'s appearance? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-05-05 482
128027 Who has given you the best advice for some common health... ±è*±¹ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-05 2
128026 What is the strangest food you¡¯ve seen or eaten while on... ¹Ú*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-05-05 571
128025 I hate the criminal. À±*Çý ¿Ï·á 2023-05-05 436
128024 Should an unpaid debt be a criminal offense? Why or why not? ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-05-05 3
128023 In Korea, most people who retire run their own business.... ±è*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2023-05-05 478
128022 Investing at stock is the flower of capitalism ÀÌ*¿õ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-04 1
128021 Home work ±è*¶õ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-04 0
128020 Writing task ¾È*Çü ¿Ï·á 2023-05-04 916
128019 Homework ÇÏ*¸² ¿Ï·á 2023-05-04 1
128018 Homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-05-04 2
128017 What is your favorite holiday and why? ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2023-05-04 539
128016 What I don\'t like vegetable ¼Û*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-05-04 604
128015 5/4 homework ÃÖ*º½ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-04 487
128014 Homework Àå*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-04 1
128013 homework 05.04 ÃÖ*Ç ¿Ï·á 2023-05-04 400

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04