¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

What advice can you give to people who are depressed? Do you think ordinary people can help the depr

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*°æ
2023-06-08 383

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Above all, One of the reasons why people are depressed is to compare themselves with others. As the old saying goes, don't compare your life with others. There's no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it's their time. So my advice is that each person has a respective time and purpose that you need not be conscious about others. Rather, you need to know yourself and your Creator more and more. Otherwise, we can't help but make a mistake barking up the wrong tree.
Therefore, if you're walking your own way, you're eligible to make proper advice to those struggling with depression because many mental illnesses such as depression may come from self-depreciation. However, if you're one of those who can feel relieved to see yourself above others, you can't be helpful to anyone, let alone yourself. More spiritually saying, I believe there is a wicked existence over people. So if you can't come to your senses for a while, you will soon find yourself way off the happiness.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello Steve,
This composition was great! You just have to pay attention to your consistency as we are talking from a third person's point of view.
Other than that, this composition is already great and very meaningful. Great job!
~T. Demi
Above all, One of the reasons why people are depressed is to compare themselves with others.
CORRECT!
OR>> Above all, One of the reasons why people are depressed is because they compare themselves with others.
As the old saying goes, don't compare your life with others. 
CORRECT!
There's no comparison between the sun and the moon. 
CORRECT!
They shine when it's their time. 
CORRECT!
So my advice is that each person has a respective time and purpose that you need not be conscious about others. 
>> So my advice is that each person should remember that they have their own respective time and purpose, they shouldn't be conscious about others.
Rather, you need to know yourself and your Creator more and more. 
>> Rather, they need to know much more about themselves and their Creator.
Otherwise, we can't help but make a mistake barking up the wrong tree.
CORRECT!
OR>> Otherwise, it's inevitable that they will make a mistake barking up the wrong tree.
Therefore, if you're walking your way, you're eligible to make proper advice to those struggling with depression because many mental illnesses such as depression may come from self-depreciation. 
CORRECT!
OR>>Therefore, if people are walking their own ways, then they're eligible to make proper advice to those struggling with depression because many mental illnesses such as depression may come from self-depreciation. 
However, if you're one of those who can feel relieved to see yourself above others, you can't be helpful to anyone, let alone yourself. More spiritually saying, I believe there is a wicked existence over people. 
CORRECT!
OR >>However, if they're one of those who are relieved to see themselves above others, they can't be helpful to anyone, let alone themselves. More spiritually saying, I believe there is a wicked existence over people. 
So if you can't come to your senses for a while, you will soon find yourself way off the happiness.
CORRECT!
OR>> So if they can't come to their senses for a while, they will soon find themselves drifting away from happiness.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
128292 What are the advantages of smart phone? ¹è*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 862
128291 homework 05.17 ÃÖ*Ç ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 637
128290 How do you prepare for an important examination? ±è*¿ø ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 680
128289 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 503
128288 Homework ±è*¶õ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 2
128287 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 0
128286 Write down answer for speaking task about \'Working with others\' ±è*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 6
128285 Would you fight in a war to save your country? ±è*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 0
128284 What contery do you want to visit and why? ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 707
128283 Some people who commit suicide leave a suicide note, what do you... ±è*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 5
128282 homework Á¤*È£ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 0
128281 Why are families important? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 706
128280 My country!! ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 505
128279 Who are you most proud of among your relatives? Who do you look... ÀÌ*Àº ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 721
128278 Homework for 05/17 ¹æ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 3
128277 Homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 0
128276 What do you do to help your mom do some house chores? ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 2
128275 Is having a positive thinking really important? ±¸*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 1
128274 What do you want to include in your ideal fitness program? ÀÌ*ÅÂ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 724
128273 What do you want to include in your ideal fitness program? °­*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2023-05-17 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04