¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

What advice can you give to people who are depressed? Do you think ordinary people can help the depr

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ±è*°æ
2023-06-08 330

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Above all, One of the reasons why people are depressed is to compare themselves with others. As the old saying goes, don't compare your life with others. There's no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it's their time. So my advice is that each person has a respective time and purpose that you need not be conscious about others. Rather, you need to know yourself and your Creator more and more. Otherwise, we can't help but make a mistake barking up the wrong tree.
Therefore, if you're walking your own way, you're eligible to make proper advice to those struggling with depression because many mental illnesses such as depression may come from self-depreciation. However, if you're one of those who can feel relieved to see yourself above others, you can't be helpful to anyone, let alone yourself. More spiritually saying, I believe there is a wicked existence over people. So if you can't come to your senses for a while, you will soon find yourself way off the happiness.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hello Steve,
This composition was great! You just have to pay attention to your consistency as we are talking from a third person's point of view.
Other than that, this composition is already great and very meaningful. Great job!
~T. Demi
Above all, One of the reasons why people are depressed is to compare themselves with others.
CORRECT!
OR>> Above all, One of the reasons why people are depressed is because they compare themselves with others.
As the old saying goes, don't compare your life with others. 
CORRECT!
There's no comparison between the sun and the moon. 
CORRECT!
They shine when it's their time. 
CORRECT!
So my advice is that each person has a respective time and purpose that you need not be conscious about others. 
>> So my advice is that each person should remember that they have their own respective time and purpose, they shouldn't be conscious about others.
Rather, you need to know yourself and your Creator more and more. 
>> Rather, they need to know much more about themselves and their Creator.
Otherwise, we can't help but make a mistake barking up the wrong tree.
CORRECT!
OR>> Otherwise, it's inevitable that they will make a mistake barking up the wrong tree.
Therefore, if you're walking your way, you're eligible to make proper advice to those struggling with depression because many mental illnesses such as depression may come from self-depreciation. 
CORRECT!
OR>>Therefore, if people are walking their own ways, then they're eligible to make proper advice to those struggling with depression because many mental illnesses such as depression may come from self-depreciation. 
However, if you're one of those who can feel relieved to see yourself above others, you can't be helpful to anyone, let alone yourself. More spiritually saying, I believe there is a wicked existence over people. 
CORRECT!
OR >>However, if they're one of those who are relieved to see themselves above others, they can't be helpful to anyone, let alone themselves. More spiritually saying, I believe there is a wicked existence over people. 
So if you can't come to your senses for a while, you will soon find yourself way off the happiness.
CORRECT!
OR>> So if they can't come to their senses for a while, they will soon find themselves drifting away from happiness.
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
128726 how weekend makes my feel ÃÖ*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2023-06-08 439
128725 online ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2023-06-08 775
128724 Homework ½Å*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-06-08 522
128723 Homework ÀÌ*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-06-08 559
128722 What kind of restaurants do you like? ÀÓ*È£ ¿Ï·á 2023-06-08 517
128721 homework ½Å*ÈÖ ¿Ï·á 2023-06-08 694
128720 homework °ø*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-06-08 1423
128719 How can someone spot romance scammers? ±è*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-06-07 6
128718 Homework ±è*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-06-07 680
128717 Do you always make sure that you are prepared when natural... ±è*±¹ ¿Ï·á 2023-06-07 2
128716 homework 06.07 ÃÖ*Ç ¿Ï·á 2023-06-07 646
128715 My favorite day ¼Û*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-06-07 609
128714 What is your favorite movie and why? ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2023-06-07 523
128713 homework ¾È*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2023-06-07 384
128712 What do you know about technology? ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2023-06-07 1
128711 Share an experience that has helped to shape your values and... ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-06-07 2
128710 What is your favorite Korean dish and why? ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-06-07 525
128709 Is it possible parents and children to be friend? ±è*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-06-07 0
128708 I want to be.. ±è*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2023-06-07 3
128707 How would the world be different if we never considered beauty? ¹Ú*³ª ¿Ï·á 2023-06-07 351

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04