¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

I don\'t want it.

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: À±*Çý
2023-05-16 858

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Actually, I don't want to go to war and fight for my country,
Soldiers are good people, but the country's treatment of soldiers and people's perception of them are too low.
So I don't want to die for my country.
And I think when everyone who can fight dies, a woman calls it.
I don't want to go to a place where even a trained persons die.
Because, this country hurt me so hard and I don't love my country.
So, if they don't contact me and ask me to fight, I'm go to run away.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi Da Hye,

Thank you for doing your homework. I want to provide some feedback to help you improve your writing. Firstly, when expressing a general statement, it is better to use "is" instead of "are" in the sentence "Soldiers are good people, but the country's treatment of soldiers and people's perception of them are too low." Additionally, it would be more effective to explain why the country's treatment of soldiers is perceived as low and how people view them negatively. Moreover, when mentioning that a woman would call for war after everyone capable of fighting dies, it would be clearer to state the reason behind this belief. Expanding on your thoughts and providing more context will help the reader better understand your perspective. Furthermore, try to elaborate on how the country has hurt you deeply and affected your feelings towards it. Providing specific examples or experiences can strengthen your argument. Lastly, consider using a more neutral tone when discussing your desire to run away. Exploring alternative options or expressing your concerns in a less confrontational manner can contribute to a more balanced discussion. Keep practicing your writing skills and expressing your thoughts. By refining your grammar and expanding on your ideas, you will enhance your ability to convey your viewpoint effectively. I will discuss more in our class. See you! ^^

~Teacher Cathy

 

Actually, I don't want to go to war and fight for my country,

>> Actually, I don't want to go to war and fight for my country.
Soldiers are good people, but the country's treatment of soldiers and people's perception of them are too low.

>> Soldiers are good people, but the country's treatment of soldiers and people's perception of them is too low.
So I don't want to die for my country.

>> So, I don't want to die for my country.
And I think when everyone who can fight dies, a woman calls it.

>> And I believe that when everyone who is capable of fighting dies, it is then left to a woman to call for it.
I don't want to go to a place where even a trained persons die.

>> I don't want to go to a place where even trained individuals die.
Because, this country hurt me so hard and I don't love my country.

>> Because this country has hurt me deeply, and I don't have love for it.
So, if they don't contact me and ask me to fight, I'm go to run away.

>> Therefore, if they contact me and ask me to fight, I will choose to run away.

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
129243 What kind of art do you like - drawing, painting, or sculpture? ÀÓ*È£ ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 1
129242 What job do you want in the futere? ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 2256
129241 Dieting ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 0
129240 The place that I want to celebrate my next birthday ¼Û*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 2608
129239 What are some of the best jobs you can think of? ±Ç*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 0
129238 DIRECTIONS: Make a sentence using the words: ÀÓ*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 2
129237 Homework ¼Û*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 2599
129236 What is the best restaurant in your town? Do you like going... ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 2
129235 How would you describe an ideal weekend? ±Ç*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 0
129234 Homework ·ù*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 1863
129233 My most passionate thing Çã*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 2172
129232 Today\'s my homework ÀÌ*µµ ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 1445
129231 When to take an opportunity ¼º*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 2077
129230 My dream house ±è*¸² ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 1684
129229 Writing task ¾È*Çü ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 1882
129228 Homework ½Å*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 1481
129227 Do you think mental health is more important than physical... ¹Ý* ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 2400
129226 What are other major issues that you can observe in New York? ¹Ú*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 1942
129225 In your opinion, what is the most difficult part of learning... Á¶*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 2288
129224 taxi-drones Àå*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-07-03 2958

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04