¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

I don\'t want it.

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: À±*Çý
2023-05-16 1043

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Actually, I don't want to go to war and fight for my country,
Soldiers are good people, but the country's treatment of soldiers and people's perception of them are too low.
So I don't want to die for my country.
And I think when everyone who can fight dies, a woman calls it.
I don't want to go to a place where even a trained persons die.
Because, this country hurt me so hard and I don't love my country.
So, if they don't contact me and ask me to fight, I'm go to run away.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Hi Da Hye,

Thank you for doing your homework. I want to provide some feedback to help you improve your writing. Firstly, when expressing a general statement, it is better to use "is" instead of "are" in the sentence "Soldiers are good people, but the country's treatment of soldiers and people's perception of them are too low." Additionally, it would be more effective to explain why the country's treatment of soldiers is perceived as low and how people view them negatively. Moreover, when mentioning that a woman would call for war after everyone capable of fighting dies, it would be clearer to state the reason behind this belief. Expanding on your thoughts and providing more context will help the reader better understand your perspective. Furthermore, try to elaborate on how the country has hurt you deeply and affected your feelings towards it. Providing specific examples or experiences can strengthen your argument. Lastly, consider using a more neutral tone when discussing your desire to run away. Exploring alternative options or expressing your concerns in a less confrontational manner can contribute to a more balanced discussion. Keep practicing your writing skills and expressing your thoughts. By refining your grammar and expanding on your ideas, you will enhance your ability to convey your viewpoint effectively. I will discuss more in our class. See you! ^^

~Teacher Cathy

 

Actually, I don't want to go to war and fight for my country,

>> Actually, I don't want to go to war and fight for my country.
Soldiers are good people, but the country's treatment of soldiers and people's perception of them are too low.

>> Soldiers are good people, but the country's treatment of soldiers and people's perception of them is too low.
So I don't want to die for my country.

>> So, I don't want to die for my country.
And I think when everyone who can fight dies, a woman calls it.

>> And I believe that when everyone who is capable of fighting dies, it is then left to a woman to call for it.
I don't want to go to a place where even a trained persons die.

>> I don't want to go to a place where even trained individuals die.
Because, this country hurt me so hard and I don't love my country.

>> Because this country has hurt me deeply, and I don't have love for it.
So, if they don't contact me and ask me to fight, I'm go to run away.

>> Therefore, if they contact me and ask me to fight, I will choose to run away.

¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
131266 Homework ½Å*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-09-25 1371
131265 How do you distinguish which feedback to listen to and which to... ±è*¾Æ ¿Ï·á 2023-09-25 1
131264 ESSAY ±Ç*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2023-09-25 2
131263 HOMEWORK ±è*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-09-25 1419
131262 To share my travel experience. ÃÖ*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2023-09-25 976
131261 Prepared for the blind date ÃÖ*ȯ ¿Ï·á 2023-09-25 1219
131260 1. What were the consequences of forgetting that event, if any?... ±è*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-09-24 1
131259 What happens to old people in your family? Do they live with... Á¶*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-09-24 0
131258 Homework ±è* ¿Ï·á 2023-09-24 2
131257 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2023-09-24 0
131256 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2023-09-24 0
131255 Homework ½Å*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-09-24 1182
131254 Homework ±Ç*¹Ì ¿Ï·á 2023-09-24 0
131253 Latest trends in South Korea ÀÌ*±Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-09-24 946
131252 What features and functions of a car do you need most? ±è*±¹ ¿Ï·á 2023-09-24 1
131251 Do you think it\'s a good idea to study English Literature in... ±è*±¹ ¿Ï·á 2023-09-24 1
131250 today\'s homework ÀÌ*µµ ¿Ï·á 2023-09-24 921
131249 What was your best friendship? Are you still friends with him or... ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-09-23 1001
131248 If your friend or family has committed a serious crime, how... ½Å*¼· ¿Ï·á 2023-09-23 1064
131247 What animal best represents you? Why? ÀÌ*À± ¿Ï·á 2023-09-23 880

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04