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영작교정 게시판

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Do you agree that a student’s bullying records should reflect in university admissions and job appli

작성자: 황*하
2023-04-17 1067

회원님의 영작문

It can be the one of measures to prevent school bullying but I don't think that it is the major solution because there is a research that punishment is not the best way to decrease the crime rate. School bullying has became serious social problem in Korea. We can easily seen news about offenders among famous celebrities. It has disclosured from victims who were violated when they were a teenager. Victims have had hard time due to the nightmare at school and nobody cared of their pain. They were shocked after watching TV or media which were appeared school bullying offenders. It can be second violence for them because they have tried to forget their memory but if they saw successful life of offenders, they would be crazy. As a member of society, I strongly believe that criminals should be punished by the law strongly, but if they are students, I think we have to focus on moral education more than physical and mental punishment.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Good day, Sir Hwang!
Thank you so much for taking time in answering the question. Your ideas and opinions are on point. Keep it up! :)
~ T. Camille

It can be the one of measures to prevent school bullying but I don't think that it is the major solution because there is a research that punishment is not the best way to decrease the crime rate. 
>> It can be one of the measures to prevent school bullying but I don't think that it is the major solution because there is a research that punishment is not the best way to decrease the crime rate. 
School bullying has became serious social problem in Korea. 
>> School bullying became a serious social problem in Korea. 
We can easily seen news about offenders among famous celebrities. 
>> We can easily see news about offenders among famous celebrities. 
It has disclosured from victims who were violated when they were a teenager. 
>> It has been disclosed by victims who were violated when they were a teenager. 
Victims have had hard time due to the nightmare at school and nobody cared of their pain. 
>> Victims have had hard time due to the nightmare at school and nobody cared about their pain. 
They were shocked after watching TV or media which were appeared school bullying offenders. 
>> They were shocked after watching TV or media which showed school bullying offenders. 
It can be second violence for them because they have tried to forget their memory but if they saw successful life of offenders, they would be crazy. 
>> CORRECT!
As a member of society, I strongly believe that criminals should be punished by the law strongly, but if they are students, I think we have to focus on moral education more than physical and mental punishment.
>> CORRECT!

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