¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

HW_03/15/23

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÀÌ*¾Æ
2023-03-15 521

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Have you ever used TikTok before? TikTok is a platform made in China, and it's used globally. People usually use TikTok to show their talents, take creative videos with others, and even make some memory. For instance, a woman who is an ordinary mom and wife posts a restocking fridge video on TikTok. It's just showing a small part of her daily life. But viewers refresh their minds by watching a calm restocking video. Thus, many global wives and moms try to make videos like her. In other words, TikTok usually makes some trends and mob mentality by sharing the simple daily life of people over the world, even though it's just a platform. Nowadays, over 100 million people have used the TikTok platform, and people kept contacting with others by using that platform. Share your daily life with others; not only with your natives. Share your culture, and desire on TikTok.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Nice essay, Su A! :) You introduced the topic first, which is TikTok, to give your readers ample background on the matter. Aside from that, you provided a simple yet relatable example about a mom filming herself restocking her fridge and the ripple effect it has on viewers before correlating it with your main point. If I could give a suggestion, since the question was about mental health, perhaps there could've been more statements about the emotion or psychological well-being of social media users as a result of their consumption.  Thank you, Su A! 
~T.Harmony <3

Have you ever used TikTok before? 
>> CORRECT!
TikTok is a platform made in China, and it's used globally. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> TikTok is a globally used platform made in China.
People usually use TikTok to show their talents, take creative videos with others, and even make some memory. 
>> ..., and even make some memories.
For instance, a woman who is an ordinary mom and wife posts a restocking fridge video on TikTok. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> ...posts a TikTok video of herself restocking her family's fridge.
It's just showing a small part of her daily life. 
>> CORRECT!
But viewers refresh their minds by watching a calm restocking video. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> However, as a result of a seemingly normal and calm restocking video, the mental health of viewers are positively affected.
Thus, many global wives and moms try to make videos like her. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> ...try to replicate her style of making videos.
In other words, TikTok usually makes some trends and mob mentality by sharing the simple daily life of people over the world, even though it's just a platform.
>> In other words, TikTok has the ability to create trends and trigger mob mentality just from sharing the simple daily life... (the rest are correct. ^^)
Nowadays, over 100 million people have used the TikTok platform, and people kept contacting with others by using that platform. 
>> ...and people have been using the platform to keep in touch with others, including their loved ones.
Share your daily life with others; not only with your natives. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> not only with your fellowmen. 
Share your culture, and desire on TikTok.
>> CORRECT!
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
127565 What things do you need to consider when setting a goal Àü*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 872
127564 How important are first impressions to you? Àå*Àº ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 606
127563 In five years ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 1
127562 Homework ÃÖ*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 3
127561 Homework ¹è*Çý ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 714
127560 What is your favorit part or your house? why? ¿À*Çõ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 1
127559 Stress ±Ç*ÀÏ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 1
127558 My favorite food is pasta. Á¶*ÀÎ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 675
127557 17.Apr.2-23 ±è*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 1
127556 What do you like about camping? ¹Ú*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 0
127555 An impressive Chuseok ¾ç*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-18 633
127554 Homework ¼Û*¿ì ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 877
127553 Homework ÀÌ*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 1
127552 How was the commute? Á¶*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 1
127551 Homework ÇÏ*¸² ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 0
127550 homework ¹Ú*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 852
127549 Homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 2
127548 favorite day ¹Ú*¶÷ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 722
127547 If parensts set a proper guideline, children who are elemantary... ÀÌ*¿õ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 3
127546 What is your favorite color and why? ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2023-04-17 762

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04