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서비스 입니다.

HW_03/15/23

작성자: 이*아
2023-03-15 657

회원님의 영작문

Have you ever used TikTok before? TikTok is a platform made in China, and it's used globally. People usually use TikTok to show their talents, take creative videos with others, and even make some memory. For instance, a woman who is an ordinary mom and wife posts a restocking fridge video on TikTok. It's just showing a small part of her daily life. But viewers refresh their minds by watching a calm restocking video. Thus, many global wives and moms try to make videos like her. In other words, TikTok usually makes some trends and mob mentality by sharing the simple daily life of people over the world, even though it's just a platform. Nowadays, over 100 million people have used the TikTok platform, and people kept contacting with others by using that platform. Share your daily life with others; not only with your natives. Share your culture, and desire on TikTok.

강사님의 첨삭교정 내용

Nice essay, Su A! :) You introduced the topic first, which is TikTok, to give your readers ample background on the matter. Aside from that, you provided a simple yet relatable example about a mom filming herself restocking her fridge and the ripple effect it has on viewers before correlating it with your main point. If I could give a suggestion, since the question was about mental health, perhaps there could've been more statements about the emotion or psychological well-being of social media users as a result of their consumption.  Thank you, Su A! 
~T.Harmony <3

Have you ever used TikTok before? 
>> CORRECT!
TikTok is a platform made in China, and it's used globally. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> TikTok is a globally used platform made in China.
People usually use TikTok to show their talents, take creative videos with others, and even make some memory. 
>> ..., and even make some memories.
For instance, a woman who is an ordinary mom and wife posts a restocking fridge video on TikTok. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> ...posts a TikTok video of herself restocking her family's fridge.
It's just showing a small part of her daily life. 
>> CORRECT!
But viewers refresh their minds by watching a calm restocking video. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> However, as a result of a seemingly normal and calm restocking video, the mental health of viewers are positively affected.
Thus, many global wives and moms try to make videos like her. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> ...try to replicate her style of making videos.
In other words, TikTok usually makes some trends and mob mentality by sharing the simple daily life of people over the world, even though it's just a platform.
>> In other words, TikTok has the ability to create trends and trigger mob mentality just from sharing the simple daily life... (the rest are correct. ^^)
Nowadays, over 100 million people have used the TikTok platform, and people kept contacting with others by using that platform. 
>> ...and people have been using the platform to keep in touch with others, including their loved ones.
Share your daily life with others; not only with your natives. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> not only with your fellowmen. 
Share your culture, and desire on TikTok.
>> CORRECT!
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