¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

HW_03/15/23

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÀÌ*¾Æ
2023-03-15 260

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Have you ever used TikTok before? TikTok is a platform made in China, and it's used globally. People usually use TikTok to show their talents, take creative videos with others, and even make some memory. For instance, a woman who is an ordinary mom and wife posts a restocking fridge video on TikTok. It's just showing a small part of her daily life. But viewers refresh their minds by watching a calm restocking video. Thus, many global wives and moms try to make videos like her. In other words, TikTok usually makes some trends and mob mentality by sharing the simple daily life of people over the world, even though it's just a platform. Nowadays, over 100 million people have used the TikTok platform, and people kept contacting with others by using that platform. Share your daily life with others; not only with your natives. Share your culture, and desire on TikTok.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Nice essay, Su A! :) You introduced the topic first, which is TikTok, to give your readers ample background on the matter. Aside from that, you provided a simple yet relatable example about a mom filming herself restocking her fridge and the ripple effect it has on viewers before correlating it with your main point. If I could give a suggestion, since the question was about mental health, perhaps there could've been more statements about the emotion or psychological well-being of social media users as a result of their consumption.  Thank you, Su A! 
~T.Harmony <3

Have you ever used TikTok before? 
>> CORRECT!
TikTok is a platform made in China, and it's used globally. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> TikTok is a globally used platform made in China.
People usually use TikTok to show their talents, take creative videos with others, and even make some memory. 
>> ..., and even make some memories.
For instance, a woman who is an ordinary mom and wife posts a restocking fridge video on TikTok. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> ...posts a TikTok video of herself restocking her family's fridge.
It's just showing a small part of her daily life. 
>> CORRECT!
But viewers refresh their minds by watching a calm restocking video. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> However, as a result of a seemingly normal and calm restocking video, the mental health of viewers are positively affected.
Thus, many global wives and moms try to make videos like her. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> ...try to replicate her style of making videos.
In other words, TikTok usually makes some trends and mob mentality by sharing the simple daily life of people over the world, even though it's just a platform.
>> In other words, TikTok has the ability to create trends and trigger mob mentality just from sharing the simple daily life... (the rest are correct. ^^)
Nowadays, over 100 million people have used the TikTok platform, and people kept contacting with others by using that platform. 
>> ...and people have been using the platform to keep in touch with others, including their loved ones.
Share your daily life with others; not only with your natives. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> not only with your fellowmen. 
Share your culture, and desire on TikTok.
>> CORRECT!
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
126865 3.24 homework ±Ç*¸² ¿Ï·á 2023-03-24 186
126864 3.24 Homework ¹Ú*ÈÆ ¿Ï·á 2023-03-24 167
126863 Homework ÇÔ*ÁÖ ¿Ï·á 2023-03-24 0
126862 what is your drem job?/ what are your key skill? ±Ç*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2023-03-24 1
126861 themed -cafes ±Ç*Èñ ¿Ï·á 2023-03-24 149
126860 Do you prefer big cities or suburbs / countryside? ¹Ú*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2023-03-24 1
126859 Homework ±è*´Ô ¿Ï·á 2023-03-24 140
126858 The value of Education ¾ç*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-03-24 948
126857 Lucky charms!! ±è*À± ¿Ï·á 2023-03-24 438
126856 homework ¹Ú*Çö ¿Ï·á 2023-03-24 1
126855 How would you embrace cultural diversity? ·ù*¼± ¿Ï·á 2023-03-23 258
126854 Best advice. Á¶*¿µ ¿Ï·á 2023-03-23 1
126853 Homework ÀÌ*¿¬ ¿Ï·á 2023-03-23 156
126852 Homework ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-03-23 2
126851 HOMEWORK Á¶* ¿Ï·á 2023-03-23 145
126850 homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-03-23 3
126849 What animals do you want to see? ±è*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-03-23 0
126848 What are the advantages and disadvantages of traveling alone? õ*¶õ ¿Ï·á 2023-03-23 1
126847 homework 03.23 ÃÖ*Ç ¿Ï·á 2023-03-23 142
126846 Define failure. ±è*Áö ¿Ï·á 2023-03-23 0

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04