¹«·á ·¹º§Å×½ºÆ® ¹Þ°í °­»çÆò°¡ ³²±â¸é 1,OOO¿ø ÄíÆù Áï½Ã Àû¸³!

Ȥ½Ã »çÀÌÆ®¿¡¼± ãÁö ¸øÇÑ ±Ã±ÝÇÑ Á¡ÀÌ ÀÖÀ¸¼¼¿ä?
³²°ÜÁֽŠÀ̸ÞÀÏÀ» ÅëÇØ ´äº¯ µå¸®°Ú½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®ÀÇÇϽŠ³»¿ëÀÌ ¹®ÀÚ·Î ¹ß¼ÛµÇ¿À´Ï
¿¬¶ôó¸¦ ³²°ÜÁÖ¼¼¿ä.
¾÷¹«½Ã°£ ¿ù~±Ý ¿ÀÀü9½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ6½Ã
(Á¡½É½Ã°£ ³·12½Ã~¿ÀÈÄ1½Ã)

¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇ

¿µ¾î ¸»Çϱâ¿Í ¾²±â¸¦ µ¿½Ã¿¡ Àâ´Â´Ù!

ÀڽŠÀÖ°Ô ¾µ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ¿µÀÛ¹®À» À§ÇØ ÆÄ¿öÀ×±Û¸®½¬ ¼ö¾÷À» ¼ö°­ÇϽôÂ
ȸ¿ø´Ôµé²² ¹«·á·Î Á¦°øÇص帮´Â ºÎ°¡ ¼­ºñ½º·Î, Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ ÀÚÀ¯ ÁÖÁ¦
¶Ç´Â °­»ç´ÔÀÌ ³»Áֽô °úÁ¦¸¦ ȸ¿ø´Ô²²¼­ ¿µ¾î·Î ÀÛ¼ºÇØÁֽøé,
´ã´ç °­»ç ´Ô²²¼­ ¡®¹®¹ý ¿À·ù ±³Á¤¡¯ °ú ¡®´õ ³ªÀº ¿µ¾î½Ä Ç¥Çö¡¯À¸·Î ±³Á¤ÇØÁÖ´Â
¼­ºñ½º ÀÔ´Ï´Ù.

HW_03/15/23

ÀÛ¼ºÀÚ: ÀÌ*¾Æ
2023-03-15 288

ȸ¿ø´ÔÀÇ ¿µÀÛ¹®

Have you ever used TikTok before? TikTok is a platform made in China, and it's used globally. People usually use TikTok to show their talents, take creative videos with others, and even make some memory. For instance, a woman who is an ordinary mom and wife posts a restocking fridge video on TikTok. It's just showing a small part of her daily life. But viewers refresh their minds by watching a calm restocking video. Thus, many global wives and moms try to make videos like her. In other words, TikTok usually makes some trends and mob mentality by sharing the simple daily life of people over the world, even though it's just a platform. Nowadays, over 100 million people have used the TikTok platform, and people kept contacting with others by using that platform. Share your daily life with others; not only with your natives. Share your culture, and desire on TikTok.

°­»ç´ÔÀÇ Ã·»è±³Á¤ ³»¿ë

Nice essay, Su A! :) You introduced the topic first, which is TikTok, to give your readers ample background on the matter. Aside from that, you provided a simple yet relatable example about a mom filming herself restocking her fridge and the ripple effect it has on viewers before correlating it with your main point. If I could give a suggestion, since the question was about mental health, perhaps there could've been more statements about the emotion or psychological well-being of social media users as a result of their consumption.  Thank you, Su A! 
~T.Harmony <3

Have you ever used TikTok before? 
>> CORRECT!
TikTok is a platform made in China, and it's used globally. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> TikTok is a globally used platform made in China.
People usually use TikTok to show their talents, take creative videos with others, and even make some memory. 
>> ..., and even make some memories.
For instance, a woman who is an ordinary mom and wife posts a restocking fridge video on TikTok. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> ...posts a TikTok video of herself restocking her family's fridge.
It's just showing a small part of her daily life. 
>> CORRECT!
But viewers refresh their minds by watching a calm restocking video. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> However, as a result of a seemingly normal and calm restocking video, the mental health of viewers are positively affected.
Thus, many global wives and moms try to make videos like her. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> ...try to replicate her style of making videos.
In other words, TikTok usually makes some trends and mob mentality by sharing the simple daily life of people over the world, even though it's just a platform.
>> In other words, TikTok has the ability to create trends and trigger mob mentality just from sharing the simple daily life... (the rest are correct. ^^)
Nowadays, over 100 million people have used the TikTok platform, and people kept contacting with others by using that platform. 
>> ...and people have been using the platform to keep in touch with others, including their loved ones.
Share your daily life with others; not only with your natives. 
>> CORRECT!
OR>> not only with your fellowmen. 
Share your culture, and desire on TikTok.
>> CORRECT!
¹øÈ£ Á¦¸ñ ±Û¾´ÀÌ °ø°³ »óÅ µî·ÏÀÏ Á¶È¸¼ö
127140 Homework ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 1
127139 When looking for a pre-school, what do you always consider... ·ù*¼± ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 3
127138 A difficult answer ¹Î*Á¤ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 1
127137 Homework ÀÌ*°æ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 1
127136 Homework ¹Ú*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 2
127135 What is your priority at the moment and what do you want to... ±è*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 3
127134 We can\'t be always practical. ÀÌ*¿õ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 3
127133 homework ä*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 357
127132 homework ä*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 370
127131 homework ä*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 487
127130 If you could stop time, what would you do and why? ·ù*¼± ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 2
127129 homework ä*¼­ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 305
127128 Hw ÃÖ*ÁØ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 1
127127 The nicest compliment I\'ve ever received ±Ç*Áø ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 2
127126 Homework 2 ½Å*È­ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 315
127125 Give at least two better alternatives to gadgets when taking... ±è*¹Î ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 4
127124 Which TV programs do you want to watch? Why? ¾Ù* ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 2
127123 Homework ¹Ú*Àº ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 0
127122 What do you think of working abroad? Is it a good idea to work... Ȳ*ÇÏ ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 238
127121 I think I have done everything. À±*Çý ¿Ï·á 2023-04-03 303

HOW TO USE IT?

[¸¶ÀÌÆäÀÌÁö > ¼ö¾÷ ³»¿ë º¸±â > ÇнÀ Ķ¸°´õ > ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ ¹öÆ° Ŭ¸¯]

¼ö¾÷ Ƚ¼ö¸¸Å­ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀÌ »ý¼ºµÇ¸ç,
Áö³­ ³¯Â¥¿¡µµ °Ô½Ã ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

ÁÖ5ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 20ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ3ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 12ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
ÁÖ2ȸ ¼ö¾÷ : ¿ù 08ȸ ÀÌ¿ë °¡´É
01
±³Á¤ ³»¿ëÀº ÃÖ´ë 1,000byte±îÁö ¿Ã¸± ¼ö ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.

÷ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ¿øÈ°ÇÑ Ã·»èÀ» À§ÇÑ Âü°íÀÚ·á·Î »ç¿ëµÉ »Ó,
ÆÄÀÏ¿¡ ´ëÇÑ Ã·»èÀº ºÒ°¡´É ÇÕ´Ï´Ù.

¾÷·Îµå °¡´ÉÇÑ Ã·ºÎ ÆÄÀÏÀº ÃÖ´ë 2mb±îÁöÀ̸ç,
÷ºÎ ÇÒ ¼ö ÀÖ´Â ÆÄÀÏ Çü½ÄÀº ´ÙÀ½°ú °°½À´Ï´Ù.

¹®¼­ - PDF, TXT, DOCX,
À̹ÌÁö - JPEG, PNG, GIF
02
Àü¹® ºÐ¾ß¸¦ Á¦¿ÜÇÑ È¸¿ø´ÔÀÌ Á÷Á¢ ÀÛ¼ºÇÑ ±Û¸¸
÷»èÀÌ °¡´ÉÇϸç,

¿Ã·ÁÁֽŠ±ÛÀÇ °­»ç´Ô ÷»èÀº 24½Ã°£ À̳»¿¡
¿Ï·á µÇ´Â °ÍÀ» ¿øÄ¢À¸·Î ÇÏ°í ÀÖ½À´Ï´Ù.
03
ÇÏ·ç °Ô½Ã °¡´ÉÇÑ ±ÛÀº 3ȸ±îÁö À̸ç,
Á¾·áµÈ ¼ö¾÷ÀÇ ¿µÀÛ±³Á¤ °Ô½ÃÆÇÀº
ÀÌ¿ëÀÌ ¾î·Á¿î Á¡ ¾çÇØ ºÎŹ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.
04